Welp

When I was in highschool I met this dude who became a close friend of mine. We were in bands together and then he moved away. I never thought he liked men so even though I thought about him all the time in secret, we were just friends. Years later he moved back to my area as my local music scene was developing. One night we were together and I kept thinking of how amazing he is
And I let it slip in the car that I wanted to kiss him, but I was dating someone so I didn't. He told me I should just do it. Days later, he asked me to leave my girlfriend for him. Being the enormous dumbass I am, I didn't - because I worried about losing access to my drug supply if I dumped her. Instead, I got too high and tried to sext him and see if he'd be like my side man. This is my 20 year old drugged out logic, I completely disrespected this guy I liked so much. Time passed and I got away from the drugs somewhat. and I eventually dumped that girl. But it was too late. Me and him stayed close, and occasionally I'd get a drunk text from him telling me he hates me, or telling me he wished we were married. But for the most part, he stonewalled me. I left drunk sobbing voicemails some nights telling him I loved him and I wanted to be with him. He never responded. More years passed and he met a girl and got married. I liked her very much and thought she was great for him. I was comfortable with how things turned out. But when he started having ** with this ** guy he works with, my life caved in. I don't mind him with girls, but I can't stand the thought of men with him. I lose it completely and can't control my reaction. On top of that, this is the slimiest piece of ** guy ever and treated me like **, as my friend laughed. This has ruined everything. I attached myself so much to him and now it's evolved into a nightmare. I tried to cut my friend off but I missed him too much. He kept reaching out about how he misses me. I ignored him for 2 years but finally I couldn't stand it. I needed him back in my life. At first we were texting alot, but now it's back to the cold silence that began when he started sleeping with this dude. I know it's still going on. And it hurts so much when I'm back burnered and the conversation runs dry and he's not nearly as interested in me as his ** friends. I don't know what to do. He's killing me and I need to be rid of him. But when I am, I can't move on. For years I've woken up each day and looked at that phone, hoping to hear from him, wishing things would just turn around. Wishing he was even the slightest bit interested in being close with me. I can't set it aside. I need him in my life so much. But I need him gone more. Why did I let you crawl into my consciousness this way. When did you become so important. Why are you the most important thing in this world. I wish so much one morning I'd wake up and you meant nothing to me anymore. But I don't think that day will come. It hasn't in 13 years.

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