I wish my half-brother were never born

Even more than I wish his father had never entered our lives, I wish my half-brother was never born. I'm jealous and relish the fact that he's illegitimate. Incidentally that's how my stepaunt, my half-brother's aunt, feels about my stepfather. She resents my stepdad's existence and is upset about her parents not being together.

Apr 10

Next Confession

My dad wants me to have a funeral. I don't.

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  • Crybaby! Boo hoo - your life is so hard!

  • I'm the writer of this post. It does not make me a crybaby. It feels like my mother betrayed my father by having my half-brother. I wish so much he had never been born. I'm glad that my step-grandfather died of COVID. He is not my grandpa. I am not his granddaughter. Months before his death, I had a dream about him and woke up wishing so much that he was dead. I reminded myself that it may be sinful to feel that way, but I'd just woken up. I'm glad that other relatives of my stepfather died from health problems.

    I wish my mother and stepfather would get divorced. I've wanted this to happen for so long. When I was 10, I used my altar to cast a spell for them to divorce. (And when I was 9, I was so sure that the curses I had a spellcaster place on my half-brother would work. I also prayed to Ahone, a god I was worshipping at the time, for his father to get into a car crash and it happened that very day.) I asked a friend of my grandmother to do spiritual work to get them divorced. I asked my uncle to pray for them to divorce.

  • I wish my grandmother had not recited a poem for my step-grandfather's funeral. I was proud not to watch my step-grandfather's funeral. I'm his STEP-granddaughter. I am grateful for my relationship with my real grandfather and look forward to seeing him. I would grieve my grandfather when he dies and be proud to receive condolences, though I'm not looking forward to his death.

    I would recite that poem for my REAL father's funeral. I would be proud to be listed in his obituary and funeral program; I would want to be listed in my stepfather's obituary as his stepdaughter, not a daughter, or not at all. I would be proud to attend my real father's funeral. I am proud to have churches praying for him.

  • I'm glad we didn't go to St. Kitts & Nevis for the funeral. I hope to go to Dominica next year. I was proud to get a Father's Day card for my real father last month. I consider him, not my stepdad, to be truly the best dad ever. I don't think of my stepdad as a dad to me at all. I happily give him credit as a father to my half-brother, his real child. As usual, my stepfather got nothing from me for Father's Day.

  • When I'm a legal adult, I will reach out to my stepfather's relatives whose contact info I can get and tell them how I feel. I'm glad that my mother knew I wouldn't want to watch the funeral. I'm glad my grandmother knew I didn't watch the funeral. I would grieve my real father when he dies and be proud to receive condolences. My stepcousins are not my cousins. My stepfather is not my parent.

    I don't mind going down in their family history as the evil stepdaughter. What I care about is my faith and not being evil in God’s eyes. But I don’t feel obligated to explain myself to those people. It’s between me and God. I don’t owe them a relationship. Even if hating them is morally wrong, not having a relationship with them is not.

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