where to start? well, four years ago, my grandmother died, and every day since then i have been crying secretly. a few months ago after hanging around with some new 'friends', i told them about my pain and they encouraged me to self-harm and set things on fire. we broke friends, and in the spirit of the new i made new friends. my old friends turned on me, making up romours i was a racist- these people constantly make jokes about murder and incest. around this time i also questioned my faith and now i am too scared to go to confession and tell my priest about this, let alone my family.
i have continued to self-harm again and not a day goes by where i don't fantasize about murders, bondage and massacres- even when i go to school i think about asking some old friends for drugs, cigarettes or alcohol-anything to stop the pain. suicide has recently been appearing as a good option.
My school work has not suffered- i throw myself into working, writing 5 pages when we are supposed to write a paragraph. i am ignored by my classmates as the 'emo' kid- few people there like emos: but a boy in my class does. i really like him but am worried that i am only wanting to date him for the sake of it, or for the sheer content of using him to make me feel better.
while writing him, i am also IMing my friend-when i tried to tell her how i feel, she laughed and said she didn't believe me- i bit my lip so hard to stop the tears i tasted blood.
the worst part is pretending i am alright- even my parents do not know. on days like today, when i got a D instead of an A* for my coursework, which is vital for my GCSEs, and i cry alot, they do not guess that i can't take another day.
the only thing that keeps me going is my want to find out what bondage and sadism is like, and the fact that even me, who yearns for death so much, is too scared to do it. I'm afraid my parents will invite my enemies to my funeral by mistake...i can't tell them anything.