please help...

where to start? well, four years ago, my grandmother died, and every day since then i have been crying secretly. a few months ago after hanging around with some new 'friends', i told them about my pain and they encouraged me to self-harm and set things on fire. we broke friends, and in the spirit of the new i made new friends. my old friends turned on me, making up romours i was a racist- these people constantly make jokes about murder and incest. around this time i also questioned my faith and now i am too scared to go to confession and tell my priest about this, let alone my family.

i have continued to self-harm again and not a day goes by where i don't fantasize about murders, bondage and massacres- even when i go to school i think about asking some old friends for drugs, cigarettes or alcohol-anything to stop the pain. suicide has recently been appearing as a good option.

My school work has not suffered- i throw myself into working, writing 5 pages when we are supposed to write a paragraph. i am ignored by my classmates as the 'emo' kid- few people there like emos: but a boy in my class does. i really like him but am worried that i am only wanting to date him for the sake of it, or for the sheer content of using him to make me feel better.

while writing him, i am also IMing my friend-when i tried to tell her how i feel, she laughed and said she didn't believe me- i bit my lip so hard to stop the tears i tasted blood.

the worst part is pretending i am alright- even my parents do not know. on days like today, when i got a D instead of an A* for my coursework, which is vital for my GCSEs, and i cry alot, they do not guess that i can't take another day.

the only thing that keeps me going is my want to find out what bondage and sadism is like, and the fact that even me, who yearns for death so much, is too scared to do it. I'm afraid my parents will invite my enemies to my funeral by mistake...i can't tell them anything.


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  • ^Brought to you by someone who steals other people's ideas, because they have no creativity of their own.

  • To the b**** who left the last comment, go f*** yourself. that is totally inappropriate.

    Honestly, self harming - not a good idea, you have to understand how that can affect the people around you.
    Thinking about murder or the murder of others is just f***** up.
    But you've found a way of concentrating on other things, that help you excel. which is a good outlet.

    Your friend, doesnt sound like a friend at all. what kind of a friend laughs at you when you tell them something that important?
    as for the boy you like flirt with him, date him. just try your hardest not to completely use him and break his heart.
    I think its time to tell your parents how you feel and that you need help. Because you do need help and you understand that because you're trying to escape from your life through drugs etc. which are not a good idea, theyre harmful in more ways than just to you.
    Please help yourself.
    Life gets better, school isnt everything.

  • The simple fact is you do not need to bleed to know you are alive unlike a popular song that suggests you do. Date the other emo kid- so what if it is for 'only' making you feel better- that is what dating others is for- to feel better. Stop cutting, its just stupid. Sadism is also stupid and only intellectually dishonest people play that game. Murder- taking another slife or your own is the MOST stupid, but you already know this. This leaves you with s**, bondage...Don't rush it and I'd make that your long term goal. Bondage can be cool if done right- dangerous and stupid if not. You need to totally trust the person you allow to do to you what they would normally be arrested for if you did not consent. Regarding your faith: never dismiss what may be true and I can tell you there is more proof it is true than it isn't. Many will try and convince you it isn't by some grand revelation they have had- wait for your own. Be honest with yourself about what you believe and don't believe.

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