The lonely depressed alcoholic cycle

I hate this feeling of being lonely it feels stupid what usually helps me is drinking but I have been trying to get that under control but when I try to sit here sober I feel like **. I have always had this slight thought of just taking myself out but I know its bull and I wont but sometimes when I am having nights like this I think about it a little bit too much. I am single and I have noticed all of my friends all three of them have their own family or in a relationship. I dont want to jump in a relationship just to fix my loneliness because I do not think that is right but I struggle with finding my own lights by myself. I try to play my guitar exercise or read and study but when this feeling starts to settle in I just want to drink so I am not up all night feeling depressed and ** I dont like thinking about ending it all for myself but I struggle to see a light for myself sometimes

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