It bothers me
So here it is: I am a sixteen year old black girl that hates anything to do with being black. I am racist against what I am.
For a large portion of my life, and I haven’t lived very long mind you, I’ve hated being black. And, truth be told, it’s horrible. On one hand I’m filled with guilt over my feelings, but at the same time I feel entirely justified in having them.
I have seen, and continue to see, nothing worthwhile in being black. I can’t even begin to describe how it feels to look out the window and see black men and black women and black children, and realize you loathe each and every one of them with a passion that borders the obsessive.
I’m repulsed by everything that defines ‘being black.’ I hate the skin, I hate the hair, I hate the clothes, I hate the food, and above all I hate the culture. I’ve been told many a time that “black is beautiful,” “you should be proud to be black,” that “blacks have a rich and amazing history.” If we do in fact have such a “rich and amazing history,” I feel horribly disconnected from it.
I have light skin, a petite frame, and waist length curly hair. Not to mention attractive, well mannered, and highly intelligent. In a normal situation I would never EVER flaunt any of these things. I find conceit to be rude and unflattering, and truth be told, I’m actually quite insecure.
HOWEVER, put me in a room with other black people and the word ‘insecure’ would be the last thing you’d ever use to describe me. WhenI see my darker skinned counterparts, with their short, dry hair, ungainly bodies , and clear inability to hold intelligence conversation, I feel repulsed. I both pity them and feel completely disgusted by them.
But I don’t want to feel this way. I know my sentiments toward black people (MY people) are cruel, unjustified, and irrational, but regardless of logic I continue to harbor these feelings.
The few black friends that I have, and I don’t have many as you’ve probably already guessed, constantly tell me that I ‘act white’ or call me an Oreo. While I never vocalize it, this makes me angry and saddened. I’m sure this may come off as a bit ironic to some of you. From what I’ve said so far, I would not blame you if you thought I would be proud to be called an ‘Oreo.’ But please realize that I do not WANT to hate black people and I certainly do not idolize Caucasians.
But why does ‘acting black’ automatically translate to being ghetto? Does ‘being black’ mean I should act ignorant and brash? That my greatest aspiration as a women should be becoming a prostitute, a stripper, or a teenage mother? That my only purpose in life is to dress like a brazen w**** and flaunt my so called ‘goodies’ to attract men? I would die of shame first before acting that way. And it angers me that the color of my skin, despite being lighter than the average black, automatically connects me with all of these things.
It feels as if black people are unwilling to educate themselves and seek a brighter future. Note, I’m not saying unable, but unwilling. How is getting a boyfriend more important than receiving an education? How is it that one can focus one’s energy on dancing like a w**** on Youtube, but can’t even spare the time to pick up a book or a newspaper? How is being a ‘gangster/p***’ more important to a black child than being an intelligent, successful, law abiding adult?
I simply do not get it. And if this is what it means to be a black person, then I want nothing to do with it. We are capable of so many things simply because we have the gift of being human and not a insect or an animal. But why do I feel as if I am apart of only the handful of black people that realize this? Why can’t all black people realize this?
One day, I want to say “I’m black,” and feel pride when I utter those words, but for right now, all I can feel is contempt and shame. How can I be proud of people like that? How could anyone?