I cheated on my bf w my ex from freshman year

Earlier this month i went to the county fair with a friend, everything was fine and we had been riding the rides and i won her a prize and got food. as it was getting darker she notices her ex and wanted to know if he had a vape on him and i mentioned that the friend he was with was my ex boyfriend. i’ve known him since middle school and dated him for a bit freshman year. after me and him split i got with my current bf. anyways. my friend made me add my ex and text him asking about his friend. so we waited, rode more rides and he adds me back and answers me. the whole thing for my friend was a bust but that night i kept texting him. idk i avoided him for the rest of high school. i was curious about how he was doing. and that talked into a couple days of talking. and 3 days after the fair i’m talking to him and he said he’s free and i js so happened to be able to see him that day, we had talked about ** and ** for a bit, i js didn’t realize i was gonna buy a box of condoms and end up at his house. it was awkward at first cause that was the first time talking to each other in years. after a while i gave into my feelings and we had **, and i liked it. i loved it. he knows who my bf is, he knows what we’re doing is wrong, i know it’s wrong but it felt so good. he kissed me and it was over, i never cheated before this. maybe a friendly flirt to a friend but i had ** with my ex. i then i went to my bfs and got ** again. and there was leaf litter on me from me and my ex ** in the woods, i had scrapes and bruised knees, but he didn’t notice. he didn’t notice when the empty condom box fell out of my bag in front of him.. i want to marry my bf and spend the rest of my life with him though, but i need the feeling my ex gives me. i can’t stop. i’m obsessed with him. he makes me so **. we talk about what we’re going to do next. i want to go spend more time with him. i’m feral. it’s terrible. i hate myself and it’s actually taking a toll on me mentally, but i keep myself high so i feel better. it helps me not to think about it all. im writing this getting back from a weekend at my bfs house and i was so feral we kept going round after round but with breaks between cause he couldn’t keep up with my ** drive it was amazing, but even then i still want my ex. he can give me what i need and go back to back rounds so i feel good. i hate myself. but he’s addicting, and i just want more.

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