I tried

So. I guess I’ll just start typing and see where it takes me. I remember in elementary school, I had this group of friends that I would constantly hang out with. All the time. But in fourth grade, I sort of strayed away from everybody. I didn’t really want friends or family or anybody to talk to me. I completely changed. There are SO many things I could easily just.. say here. But I honestly don’t know how to put it into words. It’s 3:25 AM and I don’t know what to do. I suppose fourth grade is what started this huge spiral into a life filled with.. ya know.. the usual. I.. have a really hard time saying this but a 16 year old shouldn’t hate themselves for things that weren’t exactly her fault or anything that she could fix. In fourth grade, I learned that my older brother was doing drugs. I didn’t know it then but I really cared about him. I had to start taking care of him in the mornings when he had hangovers and I had to start covering for him when he went to go smoke with his friends or go to parties. I really didn’t mind doing everything for him. I guess I just wanted to be the sister that he could always count on and I wanted to protect him. He never really.. appreciated any of it or thanked me for any of it. I just sort of did it and never complained. I started hating myself but I didn’t know why. I see now that it was because I constantly felt like I was never good enough for anybody. I guess that’s when my insecurities started. In sixth grade, there was this guy that I felt like I loved but looking back on it, I had no idea what I was even doing. I basically dated him all through sixth and seventh grade and I made.. the biggest mistake. I already had a few years history of cutting and I was trying (as I have many times before) to stop. I didn’t enjoy the cutting or the pain that went with it like people thought if they saw. All the judgment I’d gotten over the years for the stupid s*** I did… anyway. I gave him my virginity thinking that.. he would stay with me but after that, he stopped talking to me. I had already started smoking and that just made everything worse. In middle school, I was the school s*** but people started all of these rumors and kept talking about me when they didn’t even know the story. I really really cared back then what people thought of me. I was extremely self conscious and in sixth grade I always tried to make myself feel perfect. But whenever I looked down at my arms, I couldn’t even really grasp what I had started doing to myself. I was always somewhat an introvert. I don’t like talking to people about “problems”. At least.. not mine. I was the person that everyone went to for advice. About everything. I developed an eating disorder. That’s the thing though, I didn’t. I no longer really slept or ate or talked to many people. I was just really sad. Throughout middle school, my self harm issue got a lot worse. I entered middle school making little baby cuts on my arms. Then they started getting a bit worse and.. I remember specifically one day. I locked myself in my closet and just started going at it on my arm. There was.. so much blood and it stung but I just kept.. going. I counted 87 cuts. I was 13. There is so much. That I’ve gone through that I know should make me feel stronger just because I got through it. But honestly, every time I see those faint scars all over my arm or the not so faint scars on my legs.. It hurts me a lot. I was in such a dark spot.. I just couldn’t handle it all

I can’t finish this…

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  • I applaud you letting out all those years of pent up pain and anger. It's not ok to just survive it and get though it. Learning to deal with it and face it on is what truly makes you strong. You have a long road to go but you've come so far. Find someone to talk to because just letting out all those things inside is a good start. Trust me, I've been there. It will get better one day.

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