I would never end it but

I really wish I was dead right now. I wish I could cut clear straight up through my arm and blood would go everywhere. I wish I could scream and scream and scream until my voice box went hoarse and raspy and I might spit up blood. I wish I could bend over and cough and gag and puke until blood came out. I wish I could laugh and laugh and laugh cos I feel like I'm going to crack any minute. Maybe bang my head on the wall till it bleeds. Maybe have those people that I smiled for all those years suddenly find out my deepest secrets so that they could see WHAT THE H*** *I'VE* been through in life as they skip around so merrily without another thought in their head. Seriously, I'm only 20 and people twice and more my age tell me often that I'm 'just so wise for my age' and so damn enlightened. Well you get that way with enough horrors flashing before your eyes. I think about so many deep things to do with all this all the time. I'd say a good 65% or seemingly 88% percent, as there are many people skipping around hiding tears behind smiles, of others my age are out having FUN at some social get together or something.

Haha, if they had any idea. I've seen other girls break into tears to their friends over a whole heap of things that just don't emotionally upset me the same because on an average everyday basis I secretly know, it gets worse. And you see, if I were to break into tears over everything, I would have officially cracked already if I haven't, well, already.

I'd never give up, by now I've accepted crud. And it's not always all bad. Live for the good, laugh in the good, when it's bad recover, then live in the good again as if the bad times never exist, to h*** with them. But right now it's really bad. And in these dark times I think of violent things to happen and do, never to anyone but myself. I hate myself and love hating myself, but I know I must recover from that. But the idea of banging all of my frustrations out into my wrist on the wall, brings me comfort.

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  • Try physical exertion? Like, chop wood, or mow the lawn like you are on meth. Shovel snow, then do your neighbors. It will be useful work and can mentally erase stress, frustration, anxiety.Your focus will be only on the manual actions. Some cardio too. It will not SOLVE anything, but it'll let you escape for a few hours.

    Meh, just a suggestion.

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