Vanity Kills

I regularly make myself vomit by shoving a toothbrush down my throat. I am occasionally overdose on laxatives. I think about food and how I don't like my body constantly.

I am not anorexic.
Or thin.
I'm overweight. So no one suspects.

Binge eater.

I look like a fat man and not a women.

6FT 1"
UK Size 20
One A b***. One B b***.

"Oh but your going by what the media tells you a women should look like"

Yes...and this is reassuring coming out of you size 8 mouth.

I smoke cannabis every day.
I take 30mg of Mitazapine a day.

I am depressed everyday.

Blame the weed. But I argue, take that away and I wouldn't be here now. I'd be dead.

I panic. To emotionally deal I purge.
Feel fat? Purge
Here that someone else lost weight? Purge
Boyfriend dumps me? Purge
Look at or touch my small uneven b******? Purge
Think about the empty future? Purge

I can't talk about any of this with anyone. Because they can only say what I already know.

It's dangerous.
It's killing me.
My body will look even worse.

I think it couldn't.

And why should I care when I'm not happy being alive anyway.

I wish I had a large canister of Carbon Monoxide.

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  • So many people read this.. and had nothing to say.. i refused to keep silent.
    No mattter if you look like a man, or have uneven b****.. on and on and on. There is always someone who has it worse.
    You think this way because you have a self-esteem issue that you need to take care of.I have a friend that reminds me of the way you described your physical image. And she has very VERY HIGH self esteem.
    Self-esteem is not based on how you actually look but whether you can accept the way you look, and other things that help frame your personality.
    Yes mam the weed is depressing you..
    Weed is like this, If you're happy with life, it will enhance it.
    If you're depressed, it will only make it worse, and can also make you interested into "hardcore" drugs that you think may actually make you feel better. But they don't... and it only gets worse and worse.

    I am 5'3 and I weigh like 200lbs. Since I am of African descent, I don't look it. I look more like 150/160. But obviously I am far from skinny. While I am preaching to you, I also have self esteem issues.. I am pretty, but my body doesnt contribute to that.
    Seeing your post made me feel like i shouldnt feel so low about myself. Get off of my b***** behind, and take care of it. it is early.. so today is day one.
    P.S. You made it seem like you look like a monster. I am sure that you are beautiful, and that you have gorgeous feaures you should embrace... I just hope you read this :/

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