Almost dead

I'm sure there will be trolls who will jump all over this, but after eight months of being in the process of dying, I wish this s*** would just end. I am not suicidal, I am not a drama queen. I have been in excruciating, unrelenting pain for months. I can't endure it. But I can't put my family through the pain in the ass that is finishing my business. I wake up after little sleep and try to tcb, but I keep wishing that i had never woken up. my body is all but dead, my will is dead, i am not dead. why can i not just die?

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  • I really identify with your post. I've spent just over a decade in a very similar situation. My illness has no cure of yet, and, like you, I feel incredible frustration and agony (quite literally) at how long it is taking to die.

    This is not a lack of appreciation for life or living. Simply a natural reaction to such lengthy, intense suffering from severe disease which has robbed me of so much, and has no cure in sight.

    All is not lost though, some ideas for you to google and form an action plan with...... (if you are now too ill to do that, please skip to the bottom of this message for something you can do right now, just lying in bed, nothing else needed).

    Please try googling/learning more about:
    The Big Four:
    1 palliative care
    2 pain management clinics
    3 support groups (online or real life if you're still able)
    and online guides/books to death and dying or palliative care
    4 hospices (not necessarily to go and live/die in, but they are potential powerhouses of info, ideas and support)

    The Little but still well worth a try 5:
    5 meditation (you dont have to sit up)
    6 visualisation
    7 cannabis (best eaten or vaporised)
    8 entheogens (or, if you can't find them, Ecstasy has also been used to help dying patients cope with the challenges they face)
    9 essential oils (seriously, they might ''only'' take the edge off severe pain. And I can't speak for others. But personally, just having a good sniffter of lavendar, pine, lemon, or frankincense helps me get through with a little less suffering. The above listed oils are esp good for relaxing, pine is good for grief of your losses, lemon is good for depression, frankincense helps you meditate).
    10 relaxing music. Lots of free stuff on youtube, which you can learn how to rip for personal use.

    Now, ok, no.s 5 to 10 are not so powerful used alone. But combine several, or all, and I have gone from feeling, ''please God, -please- end this now! 10 years is enough!'', to feeling, ''ok, crappy day/month/year/decade, but the darkest light is just before dawn. I can get through this''.

    Apologies if you have already tried most of the above. I know how tiring it can be to keep reaching out for help, and hearing the same advice over and over, and knowing you've already been there, done that!

    Oh, one last thing, excellent trilogy of books:
    Conversations with God 1,2+ 3(I'm actually anti-organised religion, not even sure about existence of a God, but still gained so much from reading them. None of that awful hellfire and brimstone stuff).
    Also available as audiobook (inc. via torrent)

    And, anything by Eckhart Tolle. Free clips of his work on Youtube.

    Much love, and see you when we graduate to the great beyond! (I might take some time though, my retrovirus is a very slow killer. If you have the severest form of it, you can be bedbound, feeling utterly poisoned and in agony for, easily 30 years before you get released, I've only ''served'' 10yrs now :/ Its thought to be related to polio or HIV, but no one knows much more than that at the moment).

    P.S My simplest advice for helping get through dark nights alone in agony is: focus on breathing, visualise a golden light gently sweeping my body, and remembering that ''the darkest light comes just before dawn''.

  • Apologies for long post above without spaces. That was me. When I typed it, I inserted plenty of spaces, paragraphs etc. But once I hit the send button it removed all the spaces. I've emailed admin folks to ask them to please edit it.

  • please try eating magic mushrooms.

    they will give you great insight.

    also try smoking cannabis.

  • dont say that just say thank you god because there is people dont havefood to eat and they say thank you god for every thing i wish the best for you

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