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I'm a fake
I feel like because people know I am gay I must be gay. I have thought about girls and what it would be like, but I'm afraid of trying anything because what would people think of me? I just want to cry and cry and cry until I can't anymore I need someone to talk to so bad I feel like I can't go on much longer but then I hear a video or something of "it gets better" and I try to believe it. Everyday before school I smile, a fake smile but its still a smile... I'm just ready to be me!!!!!! I am so tired of trying to be who everyone wants me to be. I just want to go to the beach and lay there under the stars all night forever. Sometimes I wish today was my last day. When I'm in my car with my mom, I hope we will crash and I will die but she will live. When I'm by a train I think about just falling in front of it as it goes by and then i picture my mom who works with trains getting the call that it was me that died... I'm just tired of being here somewhere it has to be better... i wan to go to that somewhere!
I thought it was the other way around.. people are afraid to let people know they are gay. No one is gonna care if you are into women and you're bi or whatever. Anyways, my condolences i am saddened to hear you're struggling hard. I'm tryin to figure out what the deal is with my spiritual beliefs right now. Tryin to seek God. A lot of what people believe about God sounds really repulsive to me tho. Ex: people going to ** for all eternity. I kinda believe thats a big false doctrine. Anyways I got a long way to go and I wish I was more confident that there even is a God. I'm hoping to get there soon but we'll see how things go. You might do good to do some seeking and see if it takes you anywhere.