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Lonely.
Im a young asian girl. my dad used my mom for ** when i was young child he used too come too the house ** her right in front of me and then go back too his wife and kids. When I was 10 he pinched my mom ** a few times really hard in front of my mom, he has also felt my breast very lightly when i was 13 and he used too call my mom and me "his girls". He never showed any interest in me and never bothered too bond with me either.
When I was a child I used too imitate his behaviour on other girls. I felt my cousins ** and ** and I used too try and rub up against other children from the age of 6-11.
In my teens all I cared about was ** and **. I used too get off on ** and I had my first ** when I 12... when found my stepdad's ** stash.
Since the age of 12 I've always fantasized about older men and being an innocent girl and being dominated by them. I liked the feeling of being wanted and sucked a few older mens **.
I got bullied at school which didn't help my self esteem and I used too chat too older men on the internet and strip for them too make me feel better about myself.
My low self esteem triggered me into a slutty image.. I also used too make up lies too impress other peeople and also suffered racial prejudice which made me more of a wildchild... People undermined me and I wanted too prove them that I wasn't innocent!
I feel like a loser. I feel people always judge me depending on my appearance, how much money I have and other things...
I was a stripper for 2 years
I loved the money being a stripper and I got off on rubbing on hard men **. I was one of the top earners in that club and it made me feel good about myself too. I also enjoyed speaking too men and building a raport with some however I did encounter many **!
I want too make freindships with girls but find it really hard.. Ive always found it hard too make freinds as a child and get really nervous and mess things up!
i have a boyfreind now and havent told him any of the stuff...
Seriously, this may sound cliche but I truly believe you would benefit from therapy. I'd suggest that you see a female therapist and be totally honest with them. Be sure to do some research and make sure they handle that sort of therapy. You need to build up your self-esteem, realize that you were a victim, and learn what healthy relationships are about. Good luck! (I know this is an old post but I figure someone in a similar current situation might need some positive feedback)
Sorry to hear. I know that an absent father can be better than a bastardized replacement, or simply a bad father. I bet you have things set up OK right now and you don't want to ruin it, hm? Well you have to know this: even if you find a man to replace your father, to love you in the way that you needed to feel loved all this time, his approval only matters because you WANT it to so badly that you've made it so. And you can't. Not forever. You must accept the fleeting comfort of love or else your claustrophobia over your life will cycle, again and again.
You can paint in broad strokes in you need to confess it. You had a ** dad, you're hypersexualized, and you desperately seek what you lack-- what love you should have received. Be careful not to grow resentful or entitled. Be careful of extreme desires, feelings, or behaviors. You don't need to risk it all to feel alive. Everything doesn't have to feel like its hanging by a thread.
Also, I find breathing exercise, meditation and white noise (2x watery brown noise, actually) very soothing. If you seek therapy, best known efficacy for something sounding like BPD is Dialectic Therapy. Basically, thesis->antithesis->synthesis. What do you desire, what is the opposite of that desire and what compromise could you make to still be OK or relatively happy? BPD suffers greatly from being able to weigh choices and options without extreme anxiety so walking out the decision making process can be like a mental **. You'll feel muuuch better after. You wouldn't believe.
Ask Jesus Christ of Nazareth to come into your life, and take control of it. Ask Him to make you the woman he wants you to be. He loves you and will treat you right.
And DO NOT tell the boyfriend anything. It is NONE of his business. If you do tell him, he will treat you differently.
And you will be sorry.