I'm dying.


I've had a serious health condition since birth, and it's getting worse. I'm a teenage girl. No one knows how bad it really is, because on the outside I am a physically attractive, healthy-looking girl. They have no idea how severe it is, and I don't even let on to my friends.

I am so sick. It's not getting better anymore.

I find myself unable to relate to anyone anymore. No one around me understands what it's like to fear and contemplate death constantly, all while in constant pain.

I can't any longer feel sorry for self-destructive or suicidal people, or ones who hate life. I resent them because they have everything that I want, and it's still not enough for them.

It's not fair that children have to deal with these things. It's not fair that they have to be sick, or starved, or abused, or raped, or forced into s** slavery or forced to be soldiers at 8 years old. I don't get what these children have done, or what I have done--I don't get what lessons we have to learn that way. They are children, so am I. If there is a God and he is loving, why would he do this to so many children? Is there no other way for them to be allowed into Heaven other than being raped, degraded, completely scarred or dying, when they are 3 years old, or 7, or 10, or even as teenagers? That is why I no longer believe.

All I want is health and life. I don't want to die yet. There are so many things I still want to do. I am not ready to leave the world, because it is so beautiful, and everything I have ever wanted.

It sounds silly, but I look in the mirror and make as many different faces and contort my features as much as I can, just so that I can remember what I looked like should there be an afterlife.

The only thing that makes me feel better is being aggressively sexual--just by myself, not with others. I dance; sing. I do anything that makes me feel sexy, in the privacy of my own room, because this is the only way I can relieve my anger and feelings, and lift the sadness a little. Nothing else helps anymore.

I am afraid of losing the people I love. But that is already happening, just because I don't know how to think of them or relate to them anymore. We are not the same.

Please be grateful for your life. Cherish it and respect your body. Do it for me, and for the rest of the people who would give anything for it.

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