Cheaters: always two sides to a story

I have been in love with the same guy since I was 15. Let’s call him Kyle. He was 21, so clearly I didn’t have a shot. We joked at work and I imagined a life of one day being with him and making things work but it was only a dream after all. The closer I crept to 18 the more we joked and flirted and he claimed he would “make a woman out of me” when I turned 18. I assumed he was only joking but then one night he said I should come over. I couldn’t even breathe from the excitement. I was still only 18 so my experience and flirting skills were little, so I brought a friend. We all hung out and it was a casual time but nothing happened I was scared, I went home.
A few weeks later a very similar phone call arrived asking me over again, this time a little more adamant. I brought a friend, again. I just couldn’t face this alone. When I got there it was just 4 of us two girls and two guys. My friend and Kyle’s friend were hitting it off and I knew they were going to hook up. So that left me and Kyle. I was nervous, I wanted to throw up, I wanted to leave. Then, the unexpected happened. His girlfriend walked down the stairs, the girlfriend I didn’t know existed.
I tried to forget him. That whole summer, I tried not to be attached but it was too late. I couldn’t stay away. One night it came close. A hug that lasted too long almost turned into a kiss. But a breath and a thought of the consequences reminded us to stop. So I fell asleep on his couch alone. And felt sad that I was STILL not good enough. I wanted things to be different.
About two years went by same old story. A night with too much to drink and too much flirting but ending with me going to bed alone. I was hooked and I couldn’t get him out of my mind. Then, I started dating his friend. Well, dating is a lose term. I started sleeping with one of his close friends. It wasn’t about revenge. I genuinely liked this guy. I had never seen Kyle in such a state. I had never seen him so angry or so irritated with a situation. He couldn’t be around Jon and I together. He would get tense and snap at Jon for no reason. I couldn’t help but laugh. He FINALLY got just a little taste of what I had endured for years. Yet I still felt guilty. It was always me feeling guilty.
One night after work he invited me over to his friends and we played video games. Over the past few months I was comfortable just hanging with the guys. I often spent my nights playing poker or XBOX pretending I had a certain appendage to make everything easier. For everybody. We started playing drinking games and Kyle and I were on the same team, shocking. We were flirting the same as always but it was different. I don’t what clicked but 5 years finally caught up with us. The series of events don’t matter to the story, you can’t place all the blame on either of us. The details don’t matter not that I can’t remember them, they replay often in my head, often. They just don’t matter anymore. Two years later that kiss we had been waiting on happened. For real. It led to our one and only night together. I can’t describe it. It wasn’t bad by any means, just was. I’m not sure how I felt about it, even now.
The worst was having to go to bed alone after. I couldn’t stay the night. I couldn’t cuddle and even when he wanted to talk about it, I couldn’t answer. I had no thoughts in my head. I didn’t feel. Until the next morning. That’s when the guilt kicked in. Tears happened when I least expected it and in the middle of the meeting I stopped being able to breathe. I excused myself and tried to actually get some sort of hold on my world that I was convinced was over. What if people found out? What if they knew? I’d have to quit my job and lose half my friends.
When we worked together again, he wanted to talk. I knew it was coming but I didn’t want to know. I wanted him to pick me and want me and for once in my life be someone’s first pick. But I wasn’t and I knew it before the conversation started. He wanted to make sure all the proof was obliterated and there wouldn’t be any repercussions. He asked if I was on the pill, I lied and said yes. I secretly had taken Plan B. I told him we were great that nothing needed to change but everything was different.
Time has passed and we pretend that we are just good friends. That’s it just friends who hang out, I am one of the guys. I hang out with the two of them, often. Does that make me horrible? Trying to be friends with the people whose relationship I almost ended? What if they get married and he never tells her? What does this mean for me? We still flirt but I am much stronger than I was before and my heart cannot stand what I would do if it happened again. I know better. Accidents happen but accidents don’t happen twice.

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