Screwed in the head.

I'm a bit screwed in the head.

My real father I never knew was diagnosed as being bi-polar from what my mom told me. My older brother is also diagnosed bi-polar with grandiose thoughts, and manic depressive.

Since I was 18 I questioned if I was, but my mom would always tell me no no no you're nothing like your brother and real father.

I have mood swings like you wouldn't believe, I can be happy as can be 1 second, and the very next second for no reason at all, i'm p***** off, don't want to talk to anyone, and just want to go into a room lock the door and be left alone for days.

The weirdest thing about me is I live like 10 different lives inside my head. This is hard to explain, but i'll try.

You know how the average person day dreams here and there? Well, I do this constantly, and I continue it inside my head everyday. I have 3 lives where i'm married to a different woman, have kids and everything. In some lives i'm very rich, and powerful, another life where i'm a hitman, another life where i'm an athlete.

I know people day dream about being rich, and think about things they would buy, etc. But can you actually envision it, and keep living it every single day, like I do? In my head it's so real!

The worst part about this is, I have a family (a real family, with a 9 year old child). And I seem to space out real life to live in my head instead on most days. If you met me you wouldn't even notice I was like this, i'm your average guy, watch sports, talk about sports, do nice things for people, I manage to be normal in public but behind closed doors, it's something else.

I have conversations out loud with people from the lives inside my head. My wife has walked into the room to see me starring intently at the wall, or throwing my hands around like i'm fighting, or even witness me talking to no one there, and she has this really puzzled look on her face, and I snap out of it, and act like i'm just playing around, when really I was engulfed in another life at the moment.

But all of this creates havoc. As I spend money we don't have, because in some of my lives i'm rich, and feel like money isn't s***, but I tend to put us in bad financial situations at time. Alcohol seems to really enhance the situation, and I scare myself of what could possibly happen when i'm under the influence.

The miraculous thing is I've always been able to hold a steady job, never show up late, never call in sick, and have handled my business very well without medication. I so want to go talk to a psychiatrist or something and get all of this worked out and see if i'm diagnosed with any particular disorder, but like most people I just don't have money to do so. So here I am 35 years old and am just trying to hope I can keep dealing with it on my own.

If you have any comments on this feel free to let them be known.

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