I only ever wanted to be friends with benefits.
Even though I don’t know whether you ever liked me seriously and even though you’ll never read this, for my own sanity I’m writing this down because I feel both guilty and rather stupid for making such a big deal over a relatively small episode.
First, I want to apologize for the ridiculous things I told you and the way I handled myself. If I ever did truly break your heart, it wasn’t intentional. Being alone by myself in a store like I was every Saturday and cranked up on hormones probably made worse by the fact that I’m a total virgin, the sad truth is that the one thing I wanted to happen was for some guy to come in after closing, kiss me hard and then just f*** me. That looks really weird in letters on a page, but it’s the ridiculous truth. Having hour after hour of boredom in the store to fantasize about all the potential situations I could find myself in didn’t help either. Then you turned up one day, helped me into the store when I locked myself out, played games with notes under the door, acted like a bit of a badass and you had beautiful eyes to boot. I decided you were the perfect candidate for my scheme, and this is where I started to imagining you were who I wanted you to be.
One of my worst faults is that I can be very manipulative and I’m not proud of it, but from then on every time I saw you after that, it was a game for me. I tried to figure out what made you tick and then push those buttons. I thought it might be working, but then you started sharing things with me like stories about being hurt by your old girlfriend and the loneliness you felt living by yourself at your new university, and other things that made me realize that you might actually like me and not just want to f*** me. I freaked out a bit inside, so when you asked me what you could give me to make me happy, I took the opportunity and told you I needed “freedom”. At this point it was still a bit of an act from me, I still wanted the original “plan” to work, so I tried (very poorly) to communicate the fact I didn’t want a relationship with you while not ruling out possible further stuff happening between us. The result was completely mixed signals and probably confused the heck out of you, and I confused myself too. When I finally realized that there was no way that my silly plan was going to work and you just weren’t “that kind of guy”, I thought stupidly that the best way to make this problem go away was to cut off all contact with you. Then you sent me that note about liking me so much you just wanted me to be happy regardless, and I felt incredibly miserable and guilty for pretending to you.
Well, I think we’ve talked probably three or four times since then, you in monosyllables, me trying to ease my conscience by trying to be friends. You have a girlfriend now, but last week when we talked briefly, you told me I broke your heart. I don’t know for sure if that’s the truth, but the guilt I felt last summer came back, and this is my sorry attempt at clearing my mind once and for all.
Again, I sincerely apologize if I caused you any hurt, it was never my intention, but I do realize how silly and selfish I was and for that I’m sincerely sorry.
You’re a genuinely nice guy, take care.