Escape Myself

I like the idea of being raped or kidnapped....maybe because I crave attention? I don't feel like anyone ever pays attetion. All I do is sit on this computer wishing I had someone to talk to. My one best friend likes my sister more than me and now they are best friends...kind of. I don't socialize well. And I am not a good person. Sometimes I wish that people would just leave me alone. Other times I wish they could see how unhappy I am and that I need somebody..anybody to just listen. I hate being black. I wish I were white. Black people just aren't usually known for being good people. I wished that guys would just pay attention to me. I wish that I could die. I would try suicide but I'm a coward. Growing up in a christian home, well suicide is a sin and I am afraid of going to h***. I wish I could hear God's voice. I wish I was like my sister. Her life is so good. She is so good. Shes a christian and shes in love. Everything works out for her and I truly believe that its because of God. For some reason I can't get that close. For some reason every time I turn back to God I turn away again. I'm not beautiful. I have no common sense. I have a low voice and I am 155lbs. My 'friends' say I don't look it. I just want to sleep all day. Or play on the computer. I wish I could escape myself.

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  • Don't say you're not beautiful. Today's perception of beauty if very skewed. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder - to one person a rock is a rock and to another it is a beautiful sculpture. Don't dismiss your ethnicity (you being black) it's a stereotype and not an accurate one - it limits others and doesn't allow us to move towards better changes.

    I usually tell myself I like to be dominated - but sometimes that involves fantasies with less acceptable sexual acts. Rape is not and never will be okay because it is non-consensual. But, what appeals to me about rape fantasies is the utter rawness of them - complete unleashing of emotions; the feeling of being at the whim of a stronger man; and feeling the honesty and urgency of his need for you. YOU ARE HUMAN, it is acceptable to think about S**, what you do is your business, within reason of course. God should love us because of how we treat each other, not cause we're wanking off to the hot guy in class.

    Try not to act too impulsively on what you're feeling - if you think about it you haven't always felt this way - it's the hormones, you're likely to be feeling a whole lot of things and current lifestyles aren't the best for dealing with it - staying at home and sitting at the computer isn't helping.

    Get out and do something productive - you'll feel better about yourself if you can make a difference - take up a cause, any of Amnesty International's human rights causes are worthwhile. Take up some environmental causes; or why don't you volunteer with the SPCA. Animals are amazing companions because they give unconditional pure love without ever judging.

    I too have wanted to 'escape myself' and I find the best motivator is other people - I make a commitment to someone (meet them for a catch up session; organise a walk with them) and then I have to answer to someone other than myself. Try talking to your sister about how you feel. Families should stick together and help each other out.

    Don't worry if you can't hear God's voice, I don't either. I'm not going to stop believing and I'm not going to tell others that they should believe. Sometimes it helps to think about all that I have to be thankful for. I believe I see God everyday. When I see my family; see somebody be kind to someone else; the beauty of nature.

    I'll agree that being plump can be disheartening, but it's a superficial thing that can be fixed. If there are superficial things like that which you can do something about, then go for it - e.g. learning which clothes flatter your body - this can help build up your confidence and one of the most attractive thing about a person can be their confidence.

    Nobody wants to be with someone who is negative, they want to be happy and usually a good indication is somebody who is happy with themselves. So take little steps at a time and grow to love yourself and project that love in a good way to others. All the best :)

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