Confused about Evil
I am a christian. Or at least that's what I think I am. I believe in God and his holy son, but sometimes I have doubts. I've been through a lot of suffering in my life and I see countless evil on t.v. and anywhere else I go; and thus that makes me sort of doubt there is a God. Then I feel so guilty about it. I want to believe but the logical side of me asks "If there's a god why is there so much evil? So much suffering and acts of murder, hatred ect." It makes me sad and angry. If he's all powerful why would he watch his children suffer if he could just stop it? I'm not one to judge though because I sometimes have evil thoughts. Like if I get extremely angry I'll think of killing something or someone. It's totally out of my character and I immediately feel sad and angry at myself for letting myself succumb to that when I know I am better. Maybe I'm not the best christian but I do try when I can to do good, be good, and teach others how to be good, but it's so discouraging. It doesn't make it better when I have a boyfriend who's the typical "thug" he sells drugs and does bad things that I never knew about until 2 years in the relationship. I hate that he waited till I was in love with him to tell me and I wish he would change his lifestyle, because I love him and his terrible past isn't a good excuse to do wrong. I pray for him and wish he would change knowing he wont. I feel like I need to be with a good christian guy but it's to late now, I've already consummated my love with my boyfriend. I want children and a family with him but I don't want to raise my children in this evil world. I'm torn between my religion, the world as I know it, and my boyfriend. I hate it.