I have lost my hope.

When i was 17, i got a girl pregnant, this child was everything to me, and she wasn't even born yet. i felt so much love for her, i have never felt so much for one person before. on my 18th birthday my girlfriend and her family were coming to pick me up for memorial day weekend when they wrecked their car. she was supposed to call me when she got over the pass and she never did. she miscarried our daughter, and i spent the night with her in the hospital. i died that day. i have never cried so much before, i cried for months.. i was so depressed. then september of that year i got another girl pregnant, and when she was about six months along she was at a friends house and her friend picked up a random guy off the street and left her there with him, and the guy raped her, about a week later she went into labor. i wasn't able to be there for her. she gave birth to my second daughter, who looked just like me. then the nurse said there was another baby. it was a boy, who was about 4 months along, and he was causing complications to our daughter, and was believed to, along with the stress from the rape, cause the miscarriage..
no idea why he was 2 months behind though. we did have s** while she was pregnant. but i am now 21 and through the past couple years have been ignoring the sadness and pushing this 'snowball' which has been getting bigger. i never cried, never grieved, nothing, just kept going. the girl and i never really spoke again after that... well 7 days before my 21st birthday, on may 16 2012, my favorite man in the world, my grandfather passed away. i did not cry much till the military procession at his funeral, and now that i have released that emotion, all this past pain has come back, and i am so lost. i feel sad every fathers day because my daughters and my son are gone. i miss them so much, and i never got to see them. their names are Jacie Marie, Emma Renne, and Dillian Hartmann. i have not felt the same since i lost them. i have felt no joy, no love for anyone else, no compassion, it has changed my very being into somebody else. i know i have to be strong, and keep going, and i have.... but how do i let go? how does a father say goodbye to his children?

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  • Sorry for your loss. Most of the time, death does not make sense and how can it make sense when it's infants or children that have passed. Sometimes it's a blessing if they were sick. You've had to deal with a lot of loss at such a young age. Talking with someone can always help. But everyone grieves differently and you just have to allow yourself to do that. You should definitely look to speak with a therapist. You need to work through the many emotions you're feeling or not feeling, so you can go and allow yourself to feel joy again. You deserve that.

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