"When Life Throws You Lemons, Thow Them Back!"
About a year ago I was at the height of a 15 year long bout with depression. The desire to die increased gradually over the years, and I had reached near the point of offing myself. In addition, my health was rapidly going downhill. However, over the past year I have come out of that darkness. I also found out why my heath was declining and that the condition was also contributing to my depression.
As my body heals, my depression is supposed to go away. But, in the meantime, I've been prescribed an anti-depressant (I'd refused to take them before), and it's amazing how much my perception about life differs when I am not it.
For example, I had started a new schedule last week, which threw me off a bit to where I didn't do my usual morning supplement and medicine intake ritual. As a result, I went three days without taking my meds. At the beginning of this past weekend, a thought and memory swept my mind about a former high school friend, who I let into my life, and the limited resources I luckily was granted, shared with them, but they ended up conspiring with others, including relatives, to have all those things taken away from me.
This started because of the ruin of a personal item they entrusted in my – something I borrowed. A shirt. The item was ruined and I didn't have the money to replace it. I had no idea how it became ruined, back then, but today I know for sure that my sibling did it. However, the sibling has never confessed to the deed. This led me to believe that they were in cohorts with this friend.
Well, this friend eventually caused the breakup of me and my boyfriend. Then, some chick trying to fight me over him because of something this friend told them – a lie. I ended up having to stop going to my hair stylist, the one I recommended them to, because of this h.s. friend. The educational and leadership organizations I joined that I later recommended the h.s. friend to, I had to leave those, too, because of people trying to fight me over lies the person told about me. I had been a straight A student and my grades suffered because of them and what they were putting me through. My own parent didn't see, or didn't want to see, what they were up to as most of these things I was involved in outside of the home they didn't want me in, in the first place. They didn't want me to date, either. My parent didn't want me to socialize; they didn't want me involved in school and community programs. And this jealous ass friend picked up on that and ruined opportunities I shared with them over a replaceable personal item.
I tried to make up for what happened by sharing my resources, that were obviously of value to them because their grades increased, and whereas I didn't get to complete the programs that would have allowed me to earn up to 18 hours of college credit and receive tutoring, they were able to. They also instigated with 3 other people and caused an car accident I was involved in, right at the intersection of this h.s. friend’s church. Someone tampered with the traffic light control box - which is why I think the other driver and the owner of the car I was driving refused to sue me, they knew about who tampered with it. The car owner's own daughter was involved. The car owner lent the car to my parent, while their car was in the shop. My parent allowed me to drive it to run an errand. However, instead of going right down the street, I opted for running the errand across town – just to get out of the house. This leads me to think that my parent may have been in on it, too. This would really make things f***** up, because I quit all those things and was stuck in the house and I really just wanted to get out. My parent displayed no concern for me when they arrived at the accident scene. None. They didn’t' take me to the hospital or to get check out by a doctors, which is why I am where I am at with my health to begin with. I am most certain that if the police officer hadn’t overheard our argument, my parent would have accused me of stealing the car.
Because of jealousy (because a real friend would not have done that over a damn clothing item) I lost out on opportunity. And the neglectful sentiments of my parent led them to not have any concern for my health or all the things I'd worked for that would help towards getting a free college education and getting my family out of poverty. My parent accused me of trying to be white, and too good. She invited people to slap me ‘figuratively’ down to the ground, to her existence. Considering that she didn’t have any true friends, they were more than happy to do it.
My parent also accused me of not listening to them - which was true, up until I had to quit all of those activities. I used forge their signature on school documents – report cards they wouldn’t sign, permission slips, etc... If was ‘really good’ I would have dated one of the local drug dealers, who would have funded my efforts, and I would have forged every single document for every single opportunity that came through my school – field trips, etc… If were a little more fearless I probably could have pursued self-sufficiency and emancipation.
My parent was an alcoholic (the real reason they got fired from their job of 10 years) and didn't even pay the forgeries it any mind - figuring that they must have been drunk when they signed my papers. I was very selective in what I chose to forge. Of course, I’d show them my report cards (I did well in school) for them to sign; but when they were extremely drunk or in the presence of a man, they’d show off. An –A would be pathetic to them - “I am not signing that.” A little note from the teaching commenting on an area of difficulty - “My child is such an idiot.” “Why are you having problems in that? I am not signing it.”
I remember, I want so badly to apply to two specialized high schools, each located several towns away. I knew that my parent would not sign the papers. I look back and wish that I was cunning and bold enough to have completed the application packets with their forged signature. I could have run away from home, come up with enough money to take the bus or train to the school where there would have been more job opportunities for someone my age. And when my parent found where I was, and tried to get me back home, I would have had enough money to hire an attorney and sue for my emancipation. Perhaps, if I didn't get caught up with certain 'friends' that attacked my self esteem every day, through other people, I would have had the courage to do that. Perhaps, if I wasn't the type person to allow this from 'friends'. Perhaps, if this same type of belittlement wasn’t something I faced everyday at home, living with an alcoholic.
But the friend didn't stop trying to ruin my life at high school graduation. It continued into college as they'd made friends of friends of those on my campus. They became cool with girls on my campus. I lost my scholarship opportunity because of them, and had arrived to college broke and hungry, and on financial aid. And for some pathetic reason, I actually started trying to listen to my parent - thinking that all the bad things thathappened to me was because I wasn't listening to them. So, when my parent told me not to join the campus ROTC and accept the 40,000 scholarship they were awarding me in exchange for 2 years service after graduation, I listened to them. And I continued listening to them even though they'd called me and asked me if I could send them money (my financial aid money); and when they refused to give me send grocery money, but called a few days later to brag about donating money to my school, the one they didn't want me to attend in the first place.
Too bad, that I didn't learn the true meaning and value of friendship from my parent, or from the examples around me in my formative years. I continued to try to be friends with the b**** who conspired against me. Too bad, I couldn't realize the full impact of what this friend did to me early on.
It's that memory that had me on a deep dive this weekend. The fact that I even have this depression and other health conditions is because of this former friend (the car accident) who, along with their mother, picked-up the dysfunction between me and my mother and used it to siphone my resources and remove me from the picture. Their personal item cost them about $20.00. I am so sure that they got their money's worth a long time ago. So, why have they continued their mayhem past, even, college graduation?
This b**** and her mother still stalk me. I made a friend a few years ago at a coffee shop. Turns out they are linked. It took me a year to finally decide to let this person get close to me, as they were insistent that we be friends. I found it interesting that, during out friend outings, I kept seeing people linked to this former h.s. friend. I even saw her as well as her and her mother on two separate occasion’s right before, during or right after an outing or meeting with this new friend. Then, all of a sudden, a lot of weird and bad things started happening to me. Shortly after this started, new friend said "Bad things happen to both good and bad people". They started laying thick, their religious principles about not asking God why and just dealing with things. Oh, people are so cunning. I am asking God why, as well as you, them and everyone else. Those happenings were not coincidence. I will never accept them as such.
Eventually, I totally cut myself off from the new friend - moved, got a new phone, etc... Interestingly, those weird things stopped happening, too. So, I know they are linked to that h.s. former friend, whom I haven't even spoken to in over 14 years. They get a trill out of meddling with my life. I've been trying to properly pursue this issue, legally, but I can’t. I’ve been unemployed for a while and am strapped for cash.
Thinking about that upset me this weekend, as well as the fact that I didn't gravitate more towards the people who were actually trying to help me and be that light in my life, back then. I let my parent persuade me into thinking that those particular people did not mean me well. In reality, my parent was jealous. Oh, but my parent just loved this former h.s. friend that has set out to totally destroy me over a $20.00 memorabilia shirt.
I was so upset to the point of depression. All the things I could have done this weekend, in muy life...
When my friend called me this weekend, I was like "f*** this world and every person in it". They were like "whoa!"
I was so depressed, but that anger was not directed inward. I didn't want to die, I want to live and seek revenge. These people need to pay for what they did. I don’t give a damn about whatever else they are paying for in life, they need to pay for what they did to me. I think it will resolve my own recently developed issue of direction my mal emotions towards people that have nothing to do with me. Yes, I confess, I have evolve the flaws of the cowards who’ve set out to ruin me. Those people, in particular, always nagged me for ‘trying to be perfect’. You’re not perfect. I simply was striving to be the best person I could be, inspired by all the people who actually gave a damn – the ones I ‘chose’ to grow apart from thanks to my mother’s influence. They’d say, you’re not perfect; you’re just human like me. Well, there, I’m human no, counting, 5 or so years. I hate the world, lie on unsuspecting people, stab friends/family behind their back…I suppose, if I had children I’d be burning their fingers with a lighter and seeing that they nearly drown and get molested and turn a blind eye to them. There is a little green monster that, now, lives in my eye. Is that human enough?
And I started asking myself, "Why must I even feel this way – so depressed?" Then, I remembered “Whoops! I hadn't taken my medicine in 5 days.” So, I took it Sunday and Monday evenings. Tuesday morning was perfection. I got up, drove to the doctor's office with this warm and happy feeling in my body and soul. I felt a warm presence, a covering of some divine and supernatural force - God, Buddah, Mother Earth, the Aliens, Michael Jackson, Elvis Pressley, something...
I was reassured that I don't want to die. If fact, I’ve never really wanted to die; I’ve always wanted to live. My life has always been worth the fight. But if a physical injury is impacting your brain function, you might not be lucky enough to maintain that reality. I have always wanted better for myself. I must be worth something for people to go through measures in order to try to ruin my life. For them to even think about me, after all these damn years, and apply their own efforts to do so, my life is worth fighting for and living - even I have to do it alone.
This weekened, at my lowest point, I had sketched out how I would get 'em - how I'd be just as blame-free and care-free as they'd been. My depression was fueled by my intense hate for all individuals involved, which includes my own family members. I am so over family love and loyalty. Their lives, as mine is, are as disposable as everyone else's. And they become more so, the older and less innocent, we become. My friend was like, "they're still your parent no matter what. I forgave my parents."
1)My parent tried to kill me while I was in their womb by smoking, drinking heavily and going out partying every night wearing high heeled shoes and throwing themselves around. I was born nearly 3 months premature
2)My parent beat me mercilessly in front of their lover when I was a toddler
3)As a toddler, my parent would take their lighter and put the flame to my fingers to teach me not to play with fire. As a pre-teen and teen I’d find myself playing with fire, taking bundles of paper towels, lightening them over the sink and just standing there to watch them burn until the flames went out or became too large.
4)I'd be left alone for long periods of time at home as an infant/toddler. My mother grew jealous of that couple that would keep me all the time and just started leaving me home by myself, instead. She said she ‘feared’ they would take me from her, but I don’t think it was fear, per se, just the shame having people know that some white couple took her kid from her. People would probably have said, “Yeah, and the child is in better hands.”
5)I'd be left unattended for long periods of time. I almost fell out of a window as a toddler, and I was molested later as a child because of this at age 6. I ended up molesting one of my siblings and of their friend’s child. Funny how I got caught doing that (of which the parent set out to ruin my life in later years in revenge), but no one got caught molesting me. No one would even allow me the platform to express what happened. I tried to tell my mother, but she slapped me and called me a liar. Luckily, I figure what happened to me and what I did wasn’t normal. Luckily, my step-grandmother helped me see the light at age 8, before I came of age and would have been held more responsible for the type of actions I had been committing, because my parent wasn’t going to shield me, try to see what made me want to do that or try to get me help. And to think that I allowed my mother to convince me that my step-grandmother didn’t give a s*** about me. What a manipulative b****! When that other child’s parent came back into our lives when I became a teen (my mother held the door wide open despite knowing what had happened when I was a kid) the woman tried to have me killed even though it had been over 13 years, and even though I was a kid and the blame was really with my parent. This woman, as it was revealed to me later in life, was key to why my parents got divorced.
6)In the first 2 years of my life, my parent would leave me to be cared by other people, most of the time. I thought my aunt was my mother, and the couple down the street kept me so often they had designated an entire room just for me, bought me cloths and toys and had considered adopting me. They tried to convince my parent, but her jealousy and contempt against white people inspired her to keep me, not love.
7)They smoked while I was in their womb, and around me the entire 18 years I lived with them (1-3 packs a day). Would regularly blow smoke in my face, and laugh.
8)In a separate incident almost died as a kid because they decided to go some 4 hour long party train with strangers, leaving their husband and kids behind, and returning extremely intoxicated. No one was watching me.
My mental and physical state stems from their neglect for, and lack of, regard for me - their own flesh and blood. And I don’t just blame them, but the people around them. There are two types of evil people - those who carry out evil deeds and those who watch evil people do evil deeds, but say nothing.
My spine is bent because of her ass. I have a smokers tumor, and I’ve never smoked, because of her – I am not even 40, yet! I have depression because of her. I couldn’t complete my education because of her. I didn’t know how to make friends or have long-term healthy and meaningful relationships because of her. I’m still experiencing having my life negatively impacted by an individual I befriended as a teen because she didn’t step up to protect/defend me. She didn’t invest interest in my education, instead she pursued evening and afternoons at the liquor hours, or the bingo parlor, where she’d drag me and my siblings along for the ride.
Instead of being a practice, outward bound, leadership camp, youth community council, or whatever else I tried to get involve in as a teen, I was supposed be at home washing dishes, at the bingo parlor with her, riding on the back of some strange mans truck, or on some other adventure with her begging of people of their own possessions. Stupid s***. Instead of keeping my job and maintaining entrepreneurial pursuits, making $15 bucks and hour, I was supposed to be working a real job that paid less than 7 per hour, then give her the entire sum of my hard earned paycheck. Why? Because my father didn’t pay her and I was still living under her roof.
If I had been good I would have gotten her killed. All it would have taken was the courage to sneak out at night and befriend my school and neighborhood peers, some of whom sold drugs, owned guns and knew people that would take one out. Some of them actually wanted a better life and wanted the same for anyone who wanted the best for them and were down with them. I was too scared to make friends. I let my mother convince me that, somehow, we were better than those types of people. That those kids were just behaving badly. No, they were dealing with the same type of sorry ass parenting that I was and were looking for a way out and a way up! And I was so afraid of guys. The guys in my neighborhood would, basically, claim girls that had no father – claim their whole household and start manipulating the lives of everyone in it. I didn’t want that. I had two small siblings. But some of those people were actually good people. Like the two guys who started selling drugs before they turned 10 years old, who actually went to college, graduated and got out of the hustle. They became involved in a lot of positive things for the community. One of them tried to date me, but I was scared because he sold drugs. People in my community were killed just for associated with drug dealers. But sometimes I wish I would have let him take me under his wing. He was never that type of guy, he was just trying to survive. He had only one family member alive, an ailing elder on the brink of death. There was no one else, and no income. Someone like that has to do what they have to do.
If I’d snuck out at night, I would have developed a more accurate view of my community and the people in it. My parent wasn’t going to allow me to do that, because they were trying so hard to cover their bullshit and was using her own children to do so – do direct their guilt, anger and blame onto.