I can't even succeed at dying
Last week I tried to kill myself. One day I took around 60 pills: strong painkillers and blood-pressure pills... It should have worked, but when nothing more than a head ache happened I took 50 more. I am still alive, and now I feel stupid, thinking over and over again what went wrong.
The worst thing is that I thought I had my suicidal tendencies under control. My huge phobia of pain prevented me from ever trying anything (even though the thoughts were there for years now), and it's still working, because I can't try anything else.
I should feel happy that nothing happened. But now that I slipped it's hard to get back to the mindset I had before. I am obsessed with the possibility of dying and I don't know how much it's going to take to get over my fear of pain.