That I have stolen many items over the last two months. I felt that I had been screwed over by everyone and everything for my whole life and that it was time for me to get a little something. However, it didn't end up feeling good. For a bit, I was shocked at how easy it was and how I thought I was feeling like I was restoring some balance. However, on Friday, I was caught shoplifting at a fancy grocery store. I nearly had a heart attack. I thought I would be put in handcuffs, transported to the police station, have my mug shot taken, get fingerprinted, and be in jail over the weekend. I was afraid that my daughter would be taken away from me, that I would lose my job, and that I had ruined my life forever. I was on my way to an appointment with a surgeon because I am scheduled for surgery on Tuesday. I was very close to missing my appointment, which would have canceled my surgery. This would have been a bad thing too. For the next 36 hours after that private security guard whipped out his badge and escorted me to a back room, I was shaking and crying and feeling really, really really really bad about myself. I was wondering how I could live with myself. Maybe part of it was nerves about my surgery, but most of it was just feeling really ashamed and humiliated and like I am a bad person. I couldn't imagine any way out. Then, when I was nursing my daughter last night, I thought of a way out. I instantly felt better. I talked on the phone with a friend for an hour and a half. I wrote 21 "I'm sorry" notes and put more than enough money in each one to cover what I had taken. I looked up all the addresses on line, bought some stamps, and mailed my amends this afternoon. Then, of course, I remembered two more things I had stolen. The total value of what I took was very small. It was always something relatively small that I slipped in my purse when I was buying other things. I'm a single mom working three jobs and not quite making ends meet. However, none of this excuses what I have done. It was wrong. I deserved to be caught. However, I am incredibly, incredibly grateful to the security guard who made me sign some papers and pay a $285 fine and let me go (banned from the store for life too, but I would never have gone there again anyway and had only been there twice before). What if I hadn't been caught? Would I have kept doing it? Would I have made amends? I think I would have made amends, but it might have been a little farther in the future when I would have had even more amends to make. There was one thing that I couldn't make amends for. I took something from a garage sale last weekend. I drove around for an hour with my daughter trying to find the house, but I couldn't find it. Instead, I made a $200 donation to a worthwhile charity (the item I stole was marked $50). I pray that God will forgive me and that the people/stores I stole from will forgive me, as I asked in my apology letters. I have always been a super goody-goody person. It always made me mad if someone stole something or did something else wrong. I should have had more compassion. I'm really struggling with some challenges, and the first time just sort of happened. But, I did it, and then I did it over and over again. It was wrong. I am so sorry.
I titled this revenge because there was no stealing category. And, my motivation was to take revenge on the world for having cheated me so many times. But, as long as I'm here, I have also wished very bad things on a few of my colleagues. One of them is a huge j*** and I have wished her ill many times. When I had a cold, I wiped snot on her nose. I did worse than that too. I'm trying to get over this problem with her because it makes me feel bad. I am nervous for this surgery. what if I die? what if I go to h*** for the things I've done even though I've now belatedly tried to make it right. May God have mercy on my soul.