Closing a door.
Alright, so before you read this, there's something you need to know:
If there were ANY other options at this point, and I mean ANY, then I wouldn't do this. I've realized how...depraved and weak this path is, but there's no more choices or chances to make things right. I can't do anything else. I don't want attention, and I don't want a 'savior'. I don't want help. I'm not some selfish kid doing this because Mommy wouldn't buy her a new eyeliner, okay? I'm doing this because there's no place left for me to run. All my lines are blurred, and my ropes are cut clean. I have no choice.
I've been diagnosed with depression for five years now. If it's something you've had experience with, then you'll know how damned miserable it is. It's a heaviness that never leaves, a solid weight that offers no comfort. An anchor knotted tightly around my ankles, and I can't kick free to get to the surface. I can't breathe.
And my anorexia came into play after I nearly lost my Dad to a heart condition. It was an offhand comment, at a doctor's appointment one day-- "Gee, ______, you've really gained some weight." He laughed, and so did I. It was a glimpse of light in a very dark tunnel, but for some reason, it was the straw that forced me to run away from the promise the end would provide. The humor that was supposed to assure me that things would be okay...broke my resolve. It sent me plummeting straight into the night. I fasted for a week, and now...I count EVERYTHING. I can't eat without wondering about the calories, wondering if it'll push me over my daily limit of 500. Wondering if people still see me as fat. Everything tastes like guilt to me, and each swallow might as well be leaden.
Here I am, today. 18 years old, starting college in three weeks. I was going to be a teacher. I was going to be an AMAZING teacher, and I know that for a fact. But none of it matters anymore, and none of it offers a bit of solace.
Because I'm escaping the ties that bind me, and I'm fleeing a world that has no place for me. This song just isn't right, and no amount of forcing will make the lyrics fit. I know it'll cause people a lot of pain, and I know how pathetic it makes me, but I simply cannot do this anymore. I can't spend another night in tears, and another dinner in fear. People are starting to question me about my habits, so it's time for me to go.
Goodbye, everyone, and thank you for being stronger than I could ever dare to be. I hope you never get to the point that I'm at right now, that you never have to feel like you've got no other choice but out and down. I hope you find your smile, and your place in this world is all open doors. Thank you for listening to the lament of a lonely girl.