Closing a door.

Alright, so before you read this, there's something you need to know:

If there were ANY other options at this point, and I mean ANY, then I wouldn't do this. I've realized how...depraved and weak this path is, but there's no more choices or chances to make things right. I can't do anything else. I don't want attention, and I don't want a 'savior'. I don't want help. I'm not some selfish kid doing this because Mommy wouldn't buy her a new eyeliner, okay? I'm doing this because there's no place left for me to run. All my lines are blurred, and my ropes are cut clean. I have no choice.

I've been diagnosed with depression for five years now. If it's something you've had experience with, then you'll know how damned miserable it is. It's a heaviness that never leaves, a solid weight that offers no comfort. An anchor knotted tightly around my ankles, and I can't kick free to get to the surface. I can't breathe.

And my anorexia came into play after I nearly lost my Dad to a heart condition. It was an offhand comment, at a doctor's appointment one day-- "Gee, ______, you've really gained some weight." He laughed, and so did I. It was a glimpse of light in a very dark tunnel, but for some reason, it was the straw that forced me to run away from the promise the end would provide. The humor that was supposed to assure me that things would be okay...broke my resolve. It sent me plummeting straight into the night. I fasted for a week, and now...I count EVERYTHING. I can't eat without wondering about the calories, wondering if it'll push me over my daily limit of 500. Wondering if people still see me as fat. Everything tastes like guilt to me, and each swallow might as well be leaden.

Here I am, today. 18 years old, starting college in three weeks. I was going to be a teacher. I was going to be an AMAZING teacher, and I know that for a fact. But none of it matters anymore, and none of it offers a bit of solace.

Because I'm escaping the ties that bind me, and I'm fleeing a world that has no place for me. This song just isn't right, and no amount of forcing will make the lyrics fit. I know it'll cause people a lot of pain, and I know how pathetic it makes me, but I simply cannot do this anymore. I can't spend another night in tears, and another dinner in fear. People are starting to question me about my habits, so it's time for me to go.

Goodbye, everyone, and thank you for being stronger than I could ever dare to be. I hope you never get to the point that I'm at right now, that you never have to feel like you've got no other choice but out and down. I hope you find your smile, and your place in this world is all open doors. Thank you for listening to the lament of a lonely girl.

8 Comments

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  • I am in the exact same predicament you are dear.

    Every day I fantasize about making that doctor's appointment and picking up those pills-- i picture myself hanging gracefully from a tree, finally at peace. No one knows the h*** of eating disorders unless they've experienced them firsthand. They destroy every single thing in your life that has ever made you happy. Everything is grey and dulled by the antagonizing voice in your head informing you how ugly and worthless you are.

    20, Bulimia, 8 years of my life--gone.
    SO MUCH POTENTIAL. Smart, pretty, interesting. Potential to do and be anything, just like you. I can tell by your writing that you're a smart girl. I can't offer you the promise of heaven because heaven simply doesn't exist (you know this).

    But if you want to talk to someone who is going through the exact same thing you are, please don't hesitate to ask.

    S

  • Mercy ministries --- it's a free program (usually 6 months for girls/women struggling with life controlling issues) please look into it! Totally changed my life. It brought me back from feeling like I was dead inside. Please please please check it out!!!!!

  • you're 18 with a whole life waiting ahead of you, give it another year. spend that one year on yourself on what's best for you and not others. it's worth the try because you mean something you're worth something. you're not invisible. i see you and i hear you. you mean something to me.

  • Please get some help, I know it seems useless but I'm sure you mean the world to someone even though you may mean nothing to yourself today. Sometimes staying for others gives you the strength to fix yourself, don't leave us yet....you're going to be incredible, I know it.

  • Look up William Francis. Read his Article God Is Dead.
    Maybe he'll give you hope.
    He helped me.
    Majorly.

  • There is ALWAYS an option, but you must ask for help and sometimes that's the most difficult thing to do. You're in a really dark place right now and it's hard to see the light. You are also fighting more then one demon - depression and anorexia and maybe a little OCD with the counting of calories. All of which require help from professionals and a willingness to fight to live. And if something doesn't work, like meds for depression..you keep on finding something that does. You're 18, you're just beginning your life. You are going to be an amazing teacher. But you must get help and live.

  • HAHA LOSER!

  • You know what you f****** ass? You probably just killed this poor girl with that f****** selfish comment! Do you know what depression feels like you son of a b****? No you don't, because you've always had everything handed to you. I bet you've never worked a day in your s***** worthless life! Now f*** off, get a job, and feel the burden of life! May God have mercy on your damned soul!

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