Al my secrets

Jst to let you know, this going to be really long because there is alot of things i need to get of my chest. Since I moved a year ago, people just see me as a normal girl. One with a normal life. But the truth is I have been through h*** and back. I just wish he would understand that even though I do love him, I'm still in love with someone else, someone I can never get. 
When I was a child, I would spend summers at my grandparents house since my parents worked full time. When I was 7, my grandpa touched me for the first time. I remember I was in my bed about to go to sleep and he later right next to me and started touching me. I was frozen and didn't know what to do. Every summer was the same. It would mostly be me and my grandpa because my grandma worked more than him. Durning the day, he was the best. We would go get ice cream and he would take me to the park. But at night, after he drank a couple beers, he turned into a different person. Some night he would get mad and hit me, giving me bruses and cuts. Other nights he would be loving and bring me to his room where he would do awful things to me. I wouldn't tell anyone because I was to scared. The only thing that kept me happy was playing with the neighbor boy, Nathan. 
Me and nate went to different elementary schools, but the same middle school. Durning that time we got really close. He would look after me. One summer, I think it was the summer between 7th and 8th grade I really figured out I loved him. It was about 1 in the morning and my grandpa was really really bad. He took me to his room for the first time in 2 years. I screamed but he kept raping me. It was the first time we went all the way. He got tired of me screaming and hit me. The next thing I remember was laying alone on the bed. I ran to the living room and attacked him out of anger. He pushed me into a glass vass and I got a cut on my head. He kept kicking me and kicking me. I remember him leaving and hearing the car speed away. I crawled to the phone and called Nate. He came over and I cried in his arms. I don't know if it was because of sadness or pain. Be he just held me. 
After that we spent every minute together. We loved one and other. But my worst night mare happened durning last summer. He got a job at a summer camp. I would go visit him and we would just hang out, but one day, he didn't go home. Days and days went by. The boy I loved was a missing person. 3 weeks later they found his body trapped in a car far in the woods. He had been dead for weeks. When he died, I died.  
After than, my family moved. I hoped it would be a new start to get away from my past, but lately I have developed feeling for this boy named Jag but when he asked us to be and item, I just couldn't do it. I feel like it is unfair to Nate. Even though I'm in 17 now, I just can't stop my past from haunting me. Maybe if Jay knew why I couldnt be with him, he would understand. I just can't tell him. 

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