I want my ex back. Badly.
I confess that I want my ex back.
We had been living together for four years. I was sure he was the love of my life. I wanted to pursue a better career in order for both of us to have a better future. He was overwhelmed by my decision of moving countries. He would not come with me.
My profession was not valued in my country, so there was no way I could have a similar status to that of him. Even if I had not felt awful for being supported by him, he did not earn as much as to do that either. Let alone think of having children. That is why I had to leave.
I thought I would be able to go back victorious, or that he would eventually move as well. Neither of those happened.
We were together for one more year in a long distance relationship. It did not work out. It actually harmed the relationship a lot. We did not end up in bad terms, but the happy moments of the past started to be too blurry, and we did not see each other as much as to generate new happy moments.
Why not happy moments? We both were anxious because it was taking me more time than expected to improve my professional prospect, and he still was too overwhelmed to move countries just like me. Every time we met, we over-thought the situation too much instead of enjoying each other's company.
At some point, I decide to break up. I could just not stand the situation anymore. It took us months of pain and agony to actually take the step of stopping being a couple. Both of us were heartbroken and in tears in the final moment. We spent almost two years without ever contact the other again.
I am currently living with another person and have been planning my life with him for two years now.
I have never stopped thinking my ex is the person that has loved me the most in the world. I could tell by his tender gaze and smile. I could tell because his instincts and acts. I should have valued that more, but I used to be too independent because of how I was raised.
My current boyfriend does care for me a lot, so I did not have any complaint.
I thought everything was great. I thought of marrying him and having children together. I was even a bit stupidly jealous when he paid attention to other women, something that I had never experienced before with any of my previous partners. I used to think this happened because he was the real one.
Regardless, everything changed some months ago when my ex boyfriend wrote to me. He needed me to collect some old stuff of mine from his place (which had been our place for several years) because he was moving.
The day I went to "our house" after all those years, I almost started crying when walking down that road. So many memories... I reached the door, putting myself together successfully, and then I saw him. He looked amazing, not just physically but psychologically too. His now healthier habits and even more stable professional life reflected well on him. And he still had this aura of kindness he had always had.
He looked as happy (and restless) to seeing me as I was to seeing him again. We talked nicely, I collected my things (books mainly), he drove me go and return twice in his car to save me the taxi to the storage centre.
At several random points I could not help but cry. I was overwhelmed. So many experiences shared in the past, a lost future together... I did not want to hide my feelings either. On the one hand, I was comfortable in his presence; on the other hand, I would have felt as if I were lying. No need to hold the tears.
We did not do the "do you remember when?" thing. We just talked about our present. He drove me for the third time and that was all.
It took me several weeks to focus on my life again. But, even then, I needed to see him again. I needed to know what my feelings were. I have met him four or five times for lunch since then. And I have confirmed I still love him very much.
I am not one of those that think it is impossible to love two people at the same time. I am experiencing that. But I cannot help but feeling guilty. Why could my heart not just let go off my ex?
My love for my ex is such that I would go back with him immediately were it not because I would hurt my current partner whom I love too.
I am inclined to think I deserve this pain. After all, I was the one that decided to leave my ex three years ago.
My ex lives in another country, so it would not be very wise from a pragmatic point of view. Sometimes I think it is worth going back just to be with him, but I guess that is crazy obsession already. I would still not have a proper job if I went back. Not that this is weighing in my decision anyway.
I am feeling so guilty I believe I do not deserve either of them. I am putting a lot effort in my current relationship, but it just does not seem to be enough.