Rambles

“Waiting for the end to come, wishing I had strength to stand. This is not what I had planned. It’s out of my control.” I’m only 20. Have been for the past month. It feels like I’ve hit the hardest part of my life. I moved in with a friend from high school, he annoys me with his s** life lies and obsession with singing 24/7. I went from a huge room of my own to his dining room. Me and my things out to the open, open to any of his terrible friends to take as they please. I would still be living at home, but my mother’s boyfriend cause me to leave. I couldn’t stand being there any more with him. So many times I feel like she chooses him over us. I have 3$ to my name. No job, due to the fact that I quite. I have the sweetest boyfriend you can possibly think of. But yet I want my ex. I want him kissing me, him holding me at night. I still call him babe and send him kisses. I’m so afraid of my boyfriend seeing the text.
I don’t know. I’m rambling now. This started off as me laying here thinking of not being able to pay bills that are due very soon. How I feel over whelmed but I don’t want the help that keeps getting offered to me. Why am I writing all of this? Who really cares enough to read just a bunch of rambling thoughts? I’m surprised I haven’t started off on some story about nothingness.
Its 358am. Don’t stop believing’ by Journey just started playing. Ironic? But then again what am I supposed to not stop believing about? That everything’s going to work out? S*** happens, life moves on? I want a tattoo. A song verse “No matter how hard I hit the ground, I’ll still smile as if that’s all I’m here for”. That’s true. No matter what I keep smiling. I always find the good in the bad. Just smile. It’ll all work out. Its life right?
I’m nowhere close to being a normal 20 yr. old. I listen to old music. Like Zeppelin & Otis Redding. God I love those two. If I could I would have their songs play all day. I still sleep with a teddy bear. I can’t sleep without him. I hide him in the mornings when I get up. I don’t want people to know I still sleep with him. I’m over weight. Not 10lbs 20lbs 50lbs…more like 130lbs. I see girls wearing such cute clothes. I can’t wear them. There not in my size. My jeans are so bland. My shirts don’t fit my arms. I’m pretty in the face. Extremely beautiful face. That’s not me saying that, I’ve been told that all my life from many many people. But no matter what I can’t get the weight to leave. It’s causing me not only mental pain but physical. My hips hurt terribly all the time. It’s kept me from doing the things I want, for the fact that I don’t know what people are thinking of me when they see me. I avoid applying at jobs where they wear uniforms that the shirt will my tucked in. Fat chicks look bad in tucked in shirts.
I have facial hair. God I hate it. I have long side burns patches of hair on my neck and chin and top it off a mustache. I pluck and shave daily. It comes back by that night, there’s stubble. I won’t let my poor boyfriend touch my face, for I’m afraid he’ll feel it. I won’t look straight at someone if there less than 2 ft. from me. If I do I bite my nails or put my chin in my hand like I’m bored.
I need sleep.
Wish I could sit on a dock, wasting time. I want to live on or near the beach. I love the sand and water. The waves coming on to the shore with the wind blowing hard against you is the best sound and feeling in the world. The feel of salt on your skin just from the air. The way the air taste with ever deep breath.
Who’s really stayed this long still reading 721 words later? Just a 20yr over weight depressed girl’s random thoughts? Thank you to those who did. I won’t ever meet you or know who you are, but just the thought that some one cared just long enough to read me ramble makes me feels so much better.
-Jessica

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