Miss Sweet Heaven

I was in love with a man I was involved with for 5 years, and I still miss him. Sometimes I still feel in love with him even though I had time and distance to heal. I miss him. Compared to other previous exclusive relationships I was in, where I liked those guys not loved them, how I felt with him was intense. I did crazy things, said crazy things and never knew a person could get so into my head. There were extreme emotions he evoked- either made me really happy or very angry that I could not or rather did not want to end it. It was the first time in my life when I really broke all my rules and just went with what I wanted, and somehow that worked out for me. From day 1 to the end, I knew it had to end someday, but somehow I never internalized I would be so sad by it ending. I understand why he let it go on for 5 years for the benefits, but I don't have any regrets or feel bitter about it. I wanted him in my life, and I was so busy with college and my job that I didn't know how to juggle anything. We did have a point where he wanted more of a commitment from me, but I was at no means ready for that leap. My main focus was education and setting up my career and becoming financially sound, while his focus was getting married and getting a promotion. I understand why we went separate ways. I just feel sad sometimes that regardless of the depth that we can know a person, we often end up living our lives as strangers. I feel scared of whether I can love anyone as much as I loved him. It feels scary to trust again and start it up again, especially when somehow that part was so easy with him. It sounds crazy but I somehow knew when I meet him that I wanted him

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