His name is Rusty, I met him at school.

I wrote something to him and posted it on craigslist and on my livejournal (i know how lame but i am kinda hoping that he may end up seeing the message somehow anyway). So here is what I wrote:

"Rusty B. Independence/Salem (Chemeketa) (If you know him send him here/send this to him)

I met you last September when fall term started, we had anthropology together, and right away you made me feel something, and that alone is something I didn't even believe I was capable of doing anymore. For years I could just turn off and pretend any emotion I didn't want to deal with didn't exist, but when I met you that changed. You were the first person to make me feel anything at all for years.

I know at first I just thought you were a cute guy, but then from the little things that you would say I got to know just the beginning part of you and I liked what I saw and just simply how your presence made me feel.

When fall term came to an end I though I would never see you after that, and at that time I knew I would miss you, because your presence made me feel good. But I could still distance myself from the emotions a bit, and pretend that somehow I just didn't care. I believed that we would never again cross paths so why should someone I had barely known 12 weeks matter that much.

But then after Christmas and New Years at the beginning of winter term I walked in to see you waiting next to the door of my first class. Psychology, I believe I spend more time paying attention to you than the lectures in that class.

By the end of the first week I couldn't stop feeling the emotions you brought up. I could barely sleep and when I could I would dream of you. I have pages upon pages of just writing in my notebook from little things that you did or said that kept me awake at night. I just had to write these things to get them out of my head, I felt like I would explode some days if I didn't, or I just wouldn't sleep and they would run through my head.

There was one morning you walked into building 9 where our class was and I saw you walk in and I smiled at you (because I can't help but smile when you walk in a room) but then I looked away, because at that time I was terrified that you would see it in my face that I was helplessly head over heels for you. But then you walked up to me and nudged my backpack with your foot and when I looked up at you, you smiled at me and nodded. I couldn't help but smile back, your smile is infectious. And at that moment I was sure that you knew. But also knew I would never say it.

Then I got drunk one night and found you on Facebook, and with the convincing of a few people and large amounts of alcohol that night I friended you. But, you deactivated your account like two weeks later.

Then just before the end of term, the last day of psy class I finished my test and waited outside of the classroom for you, I hoped that you would come out alone, but you came out with Jeff and Courtney so I didn't talk to you right then, and I almost chickened out. You guys walked up to the library and I kinda followed and started to walk away and chicken out like three times but then I made it upstairs and waited until the two of them left. Then I talked to you for a second, just long enough to give you a piece of paper with my phone number on it and to talk about a couple other things. I was so nervous at that moment that I probably seemed like I was mentally deficient but I just don't ever know what to say to other people. Especially when I really want them to like me, that's why I try to not speak much at all.

The last day I saw you was March 14th, and I never expected to hear from you, but I just want to say a couple things and I know I would never say them to your face for fear that you would laugh me out of the room. But, when you are around you make me smile and laugh, you're funny and smart and just a great person. For some reason and I can't even explain this part, when you're around you radiate the feeling of safety, so much so that I, many times, felt like I either had or was about to say too much, but it seemed ok for once. Your voice is amazing, I can't explain why I like it, I simply do. But, I love hearing you speak. I also want you to know that somehow I get the feeling you are the type of person that would challenge me to be a better person, more social, smarter (try harder) and in general just make my life more interesting if you were in it.

I also know that I am probably nothing more than a child in your eyes at 21. And all of this probably just makes me look crazy, but especially that last part, all of the good things about you, I just really want you to know those things, because I think you're a great person and I never told you that.

P.S. If you still have my phone number and ever want to use it, whether you just want a friend to talk to or anything else, call me, text me, I'm here."

May 17, 2012

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