Had a vacuum aspiration at 41 yo cuz of bf

At 41yo, I had vacuum aspiraton abortion because of love of my love, my bf....I went to see my bf and hoping become pregnant with him. He had agreement with covered Muslim young girl for possible engagement. So he used condoms with me all time. I even collected his sperm and tried to inject myself, but it didn't work. So after this and many tears I went to seaside to resort hotel with my mom for 2 weeks. I was depressed and drinking and thought to try everything to become pregnant with first person I meet, cuz was too upset and really wanted become pregnant at my 41yo. So I met 25yo tall handsome guy, and we fell in love, for 1 week. And next week another guy 29 yo followed me everywhere and we had s** too. And in 2 weeks I found out that I'm pregnant and I was happy. Finally I could break up with my estranged bf and have my own life. But I felt guilty and told him I am going to have donor's IUI and get pregnant on my own and he can live his life. I got a completely opposite result. My bf broke an agreement with Muslim young girl and started practice unprotected s** with me in order to make me pregnant. He proposed a marriage, and opened up his financial abilities. I got so confused and instead of running away from him, I literally run into abortion clinic and they pushed me into abortion with only 1 appointment, cuz it's less expensive and bla-bla. I didn't blink once and already had a IV with knocking out medication and when I woke up I felt empty.... Such a big depression, why did I do this? Now my bf tried to make me pregnant and pushes me to dress up into baggy clothes and use a scarf for religious purpose..... Why? Why did I destroy myself and my health and near or may be far future for such a pushy guy???? He is 32 yo and strictly religious and crazy about me, but wants to "fix" me, make me the same like him.... And he requires 2 kids, which I'm not sure I can do. I'm emotionally and mentally empty and hate him for making such stupid decision although he didn't know didn't ask me to do.

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