I've been dating my boyfriend for two
I've been dating my boyfriend for two years now. We were best friends for years before we ever started dating, and have a lot of history behind us. At the tender age of twelve, we developed a sort of obsession for one another; it ended painfully, with my parents taking me out of school, putting me in a private school, and threatening a restraining order on him if he were ever to try to talk to me. Two years later, freshmen in highschool, we resumed our friendship and became more than friends very quickly. In my absence, however, he dated another girl for a year, and was in a very serious relationship with her. Since, he's assured me that it was simply in compensation for not being able to be with me, and I believe him, since I had many similar relationships.
We've been together ever since, and our relationship is wonderful-half the time. It's clear that he loves me, as I do him, and he's mentioned several times that he wishes to propose in a matter of years. The other half of the time, however, it's awful. I've lost all of my friends because of him, as well as many of my passions (art, travel, music, etc.), because he simply refuses to let me do anything. He's extremely jealous, which is why I have no friends left. I've always been the type to befriend guys more easily than girls, and he doesn't trust any of them. I've resumed a friendship with an ex-boyfriend of mine, which he is absolutely furious about...however, if I mention being insecure or unhappy about him talking to ex-girlfriends of his, he dismisses my concern and becomes extremely annoyed. Essentially now, I have nothing left, whereas he may do whatever he wants. It's a love-hate relationship, and while half the time I'd do anything for him, the other half of the time, I want to kill him. The problem is, I'm terribly dependent on him now. We have so much history together, and such a deep relationship that leaving would be impossible. I know it's the cliche thing to do now, but regardless. Years ago, I'd cut and burn myself constantly; I have hundreds of scars to prove it. He did as well. We both thought that once we were together again, the urge would stop...and it did, for him. I try not to, but every so often I lose myself and can't seem to control it. I try to hide the marks from him, but always feel terribly guilty for hiding something from someone I love.
It all just makes me feel so fickle, that I can go from love and adoration to hatred and loathing at the drop of a hat, in a matter of simple seconds.
He has several (denied) mental disorders as well; depression, mild manic-depression, anger control issues, and I believe he is a sociopath. He vehemently denies every one of these when I try to talk to him about them, to the point of becoming angry and offended.
I want to marry him. I love him with every ounce of my being, and half the time, I don't know why. He loves me as well; he would do anything for me, and has proven it time and time again. He's selfless and generous and charming and loyal and affectionate. Our relationship is not based on s**, either, like many relationships of those of our age group. We've had s** once, but agreed that it made us feel dirty and that we would wait until we felt ready again. We're so wonderful together, but we're also terrible. There is no in-between; is it wrong of me to feel this way? I just feel so fickle and so weak, that I can't leave him. I don't want to, either, because I love him, but I know deep down that a lot of the time, the right decision would be to leave. I love him, and yet I hate him.
I'm terribly confused, and I wish I had the strength to make up my mind.
I'm sixteen years old.