Two too many

A month ago I ended a 3 year relationship with a man whom I was planing on marrying one day, Mike. He hit me but yet I stayed with him For another week. I fell for another man in November, Ben we he came over to my place to comfort me when my ex and I where fighting. Ben was outside my dorm already trying to steal kisses in front of my residents. (I am a ca) I invited him in cause Missed seeing him it was my first time seeing him in a year. Ben pulled me on my bed and try to make out with me. I stop it cause i was not comfortable with it cause I did not know what was, Going on with Mike and I. Mike and I got back together the next morning. I told him about Ben. Ben had a girlfriend the next day. I get it I had a boyfriend too but as time went on I fell harder for Ben. I realized that I needed to tell him how I felt in order to move on. So I told him 3 weeks later.he then want on to continue to say that he like me since last year but now he has a girlfriend so it does not matter. I became single in march, he was single in January. I quit my Job and had to move, which was not easy for me so he came over again. When he came he was avoiding my bed sitting on my desks. I took off my shoes and sat on my bed he came over and sat next to me. He went to lay down , I laid down sideways with our legs tangled up together. We talked for a while but both were tried we both working over 60 hours of work a week, each. He went to play with my hair and asked me to come up and lay with him, he said jeez it not like I am hitting on you. So I crawled up to him and rested on his arm. I also fall alseep on him. All was fine for like 20 mins. Then he went on To make out with me again and moved on top of me. This time I kisses back hard for he knew how I felt about him. After the first make out see soon he said that he is not looking for anything and I didn't think I was either getting out of a three year relationship. I just needed a friend that can calm me cause it is all most impossible for anyone to do that with me. We contiuned to make out and I stop it because we were both stuck on other people and we could have done more with out emotions following. He try to blame me that I was the only one with problem with a ex but earlier he stated that him and his ex were trying to work things out. So I pointed it out that which he finally states that it was true. I don't see the importance of a 3 month relationship it had seem so small to me but I try to understand it cause it was a long time for him. I tried to understand it. He made me happy. That scared me for I don't want to depend on him for my happiness so I found the one thing to push him away I got drunk I had roommate time I had time to myself time with friends time at work with some guidance with my role model, Seth. I found some happiness it the mix of it. I told him why I pused him away and he asked does this mean I get to see you. I said yes. But he was busy with work and he never made time. Working in a kitchen myself I tried to understand the busy work and school life word his. I did my best too. But the thing is I realized that he would make time for many other than me. I had a friend, Sam ,and her friend Jill over my new dorm (apartment style) we were outside playing soccer and Ben came home. My friend Sam ran up to him cause they had history. My friend came back to us but she keep looking over to see if Ben was still outside his building. He was of course , she ran back over to him. He then invited her upstairs. Sam left her bag with her keys and phone. I called Ben he picked up and hung up. I went to knock o. His door he got up and locked his door. All I wanted to do was to return her crap and go back to my place for dinner. But he was being reasonable. So I told Jill to come my place and have some dinner. Jill was getting worried about sam so I gave Ben's number to her. Jill called Ben and he picked up and the sent Sam to my place. 15 mins passed and I still had not seen Sam I started to be worried so I called Ben. He finally picked up to tell me she was not there. Sam finally got at my place after getting lost. Sam knew about me liking Ben since December. But yet she ditched us for him. Went Sam and Jill left I called Ben to apologize for acting childish. For he made me freaking Jealous for I is natural feeling when u like someone. The next morning my friend may called me aski g for help on homework. I rolled out if bed and went to help he and went to the campus dining were I do all my school work he has it enough noise and somewhere I can focus. Ben is a worker there. He was opening so him and a coworker sat one booth over and he started talking about his problems which sounded like I was a part of. I wish he would come talk to me in person. Later that night I was drunk and send him a text stated that I was over him and that I was done and no longer but time and energy into it. But it been a week now and I miss him. I miss how he calms me. But I feel if I talk to

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