Barriers

We're both in high school; he's 2 years younger than me. I never got to know him in person until this year, but even now, I can say we're just friends (not acquaintances and not close friends, just sort of in the middle). Because of our age difference, we don't share classes together and I only see him in the corridors and the co-curricular activities that we participate in, together (I don't have the guts to even name them here; anonymity is my most important consideration when confessing on this site).

I realised that I began to like him at the end of March or perhaps early April. At first, it was his physical appearance that attracted my attention. He isn't the most drop-dead-gorgeous guy I've seen/met, but it's just...well, his looks appeal to me. As you probably know, boys in high school are generally more immature than girls, and that can be a turn-off. But his immature jokes and the way he acts with one of his friends (whom I am relatively friends with too) make me laugh, and I think that's what attracted me more to him. Recently I've been trying to find reasons why I should stop liking him as more than a friend (eg. he's too immature, he doesn't reciprocate my crush) and one of them is his grades. But I don't have anything in that category because his grades are good! He sincerely gets good grades and so that reason is working against me; it gives me more permission to like him and that's exactly what I don't want.

I don't know how to stop this. It hurts because I can't tell my close friends about it because I already know that they'd judge me. I can't confess my feelings to him because that would ruin the co-curricular activities that we're both in: it would make it so awkward if he doesn't feel the same way and if he does and we get together, but then break up for whatever reasons, then it would be awkward to be in the same CCA as him. So the outcome is the same either way. I also know I'm leaving school rather soon and so there's technically no point if we ever get together.

It would be nice if we did get together. But I'm so insecure in terms of my reputation: people do look down on couples in which the girl is older than the guy, and it's already a big deal if they're 1 year apart, so imagine what everyone would say about us! I have a reputation that I treasure, so it really depends on whether he reciprocates my feelings. If he does then I won't mind coming out as a couple but otherwise...no.

He also has a really good female friend in the same grade as him and it looks like they're already a couple so I tried to completely erase him from my mind a few weeks ago...it worked, but recently it's gone back to how it was before. Sometimes it looks like they're a couple, sometimes just good friends. I understand that situation because I have good guy friends too, but I just need to be certain, you know? And I can't, because he's the type of guy that seems like he's flirting with everyone, so you don't really know what he's thinking.

Sorry if most of this didn't make sense, I tried to leave out important details that would destroy my anonymity; plus my thoughts are all jumbled up.

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