A fear

That I am afraid that I'll never learn to grow from my mistakes. That I'll never mature. I turned 16 yesterday, but I still feel like a little girl. Like I'm the most immature thing in the world and I can't help it. I want to act like the other girls my age. I want to be able to talk about clothes and hair and makeup and boys without getting all flustered. And another fear? That I won't ever have anyone to share my true feelings with. So my sister has this best friend named ____ and I have a bestfriend named____ well the other day they were all together and my bff told my sisters bff that her and my sister were bff's my sisters bff kinda got ticked and said I thought (my name) was your bff. Then she said,"well shes my friend, but (my sister's name) is my best friend" It hurt like h*** to hear my sister tell that story. My heart hurt for days because I know that she favors my sister over me. Everyone seems to. Freshman year in my english class two guys would tell me EVERY SINGLE DAY that my sister was better than me. They said it in a joking manner but I don't know they might have been serious. If they were just joking they couldn't have known how much it hurt me to hear that. Now in my sophmore year one of the guys is in my photography class and he'll say things like "You're a fat w****" "You stink" " Go jump off a clif" "You're black, go away" It hurts...a lot...he jokes but it hurts. I already don't like being black. and there is this mixed kid in my class...he says the same exact things. And they punch me like really hard. Sometimes it really p***** me off but I don't do anything because ( I know this is crazy) but I don't feel like I have any right to. Throughout my life I have been told that I was fat, ugly, that I stink, that my sister is better than me, that I am lazy, immature, psyhco, and that I'm just not good at all and I speak too much. I mumble. The list goes on and on and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being this way and... I don't want to be this way anymore. I wish I was comfortable in my own skin like other girls at my school. I wish I wasn't fat and lazy. It's like I'm living in h***. It's like I'm burning and the fire won't ever go out and I could never just have a drop of water. I have no relief. I want to end it all but haha I'm to much of a coward. Add that to the list. I'm going to lose my mind just like my father (who is currently in a mental hospital) I think I have some mental disorders. I could have found out freshman year...they had this suicide prevention thing and you could take a test to see if you had issues as long as you had parental permission. My mom wouldn't let me. I need any way to release the pain. Anyway at all. Help comment...please.

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  • You.Poor.Thing. Well, you have total right to punch them. You are not anything they say you are. Take up fighting. Swordplay's good for releasing pain.

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