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When I was about 6 or 7 my older cousin used to ** me but maker it seem like it was ok because we wrestling. There's been times when my sister would witness it but say oh I like it because I was kinda soft back then, I mean I was the only the boy of 5 girls. I finally grew out if that stage because I was exposed to more guys as I got older but back to the story. He went on to touch me uuntil I was about 11 by then I was used to it nd would touch back. What always bothered me was the fact that I always had this feeling that what he would do was wrong nd a major part of me always wanted him to stop.
I fear that because of those dark times of my childhood it effected the way I sometimes see men. Apart of me hated the touch or any close contact of a man nd another part of me looked for it. When I was ask myself am I gay I say no because I've always heard how wrong it is even though I don't believe that. Where another part of me say no because I feel disgusted by the thought being with another in any sexual level because it doesn't seem like it's for me.
Honestly because I was soft as a boy people often called me gay nd at that time I'm thinking I don't even have the urge for ** because I was still very young. Yet as I got older I felt myself believing the opinions of me from others which caused more confusion within myself. One if the major reasons why I can't go to my family is because I feel like they want me to say what they believe to be who I am. I on other hand don't believe that I am but there's still apart of me that hasn't caught up I guess. I've noticed even at the time people called me soft I had this strong attraction to girls then women. If any of you think you can shed some light on my situation please do so.
All I ask us that none of you judge me because this is something I wouldn't wish for my worst enemy.
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