That day after school, a year ago on march 18th. You came to pick me up from school, that was normal, we were driving away, stopped at the stop sign leaving the middle school. I heard you take a deep breath and then you asked me, "A****, Do you think you could move back to Hawaii with the rest of us? I know it was tough last time but, I will be there this time for most of it. I have to be deployed only a couple more times and then one long deployment, then I'm done and we can come back. This took me a minute to understand. When I did, tears pricked my eyes and I dug my thumb nail into my pointer finger. You left me to think in silence. I thought about how sad mom had been without you and how sad she would be if I was selfish and said no. Then I thought about my siblings who were honestly missing Hawaii. For one minute I let myself think about the gangs and fights I saw at the middle school there and the drugs that the kids did even on school grounds. I remembered the week I didn't let myself sleep because I didn't want to wake up and try to kill myself in half sleep, then the picture of my mom getting almost two minutes to Skype my dad and crying happiness. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, I inspected my back pack at my feet and said in a way that anybody should have been able to notice, I lied, I said, "I would voice be fine in Hawaii." my voice sounded so hollow and sad that I had to look up and flash a half smile to make it look like I even semi believed what I was saying.
we have been back in Hawaii for almost a year and I started cutting the skin off the bottom of my feet three days ago. I need to go back other wise the pills I have been storing like a squirrel for three months will be put to use.