I feel trapped for the first time in a long time
I am a college student who has had a rough couple of years recently. I have attempted suicide before, and i have threatened it more than once. I feel as though I am done with that period of my life, as i am seeing a therapist and am on antidepressants.
Why am I writing this? Because for the first time since I went to the mental hospital, I feel trapped. I do not know what to think right now. I don't know why I feel this way, or how to deal with it. I have currently reconnected with an old flame of mine, and that has been great because we are really good friends and I feel as though she and I are a good pair. It may sound like this is great, but in reality it has put me in a walled room that I don't know how to get out of without hurting someone I love...possibly my soul mate. I was in denial of this for the longest time, as my family was not particularly fond of our relationship (partially because I think they blame her for me going off the handle) and I tried to convince myself that she is not that kind of person in my life. But now that she has reappeared, I don't know how to feel. I love this woman, I light up when seeing her, I look forward to every minute, but sometimes I break down, and I hide things from her, and this builds a void. It is difficult for me to trust anyone but myself right now, because I believe that I am the only one who can hold my best interests in mind. I really just do not know how to deal with this new predicament. I love knowing that to this girl I am a knight in shining armor in the sense that I am always a friend for her. I don't want to ruin that. I just don't want things to go south again, because if history repeats itself...I may not be here much longer. This scares me. I'm sorry.