I cant get it right.
hey guys, my names nick and this has been something ive been struggleing with for years. ive been diagnosed with manic depression, and many other things and i dont know what to think about it anymore. i have auditory and visual hallucinations as well, but thats not what this is about. this is about what the entire process of getting to where i am has done to me. right now ive been off my medicine for about 10 months. its been a journey, but nothing like the last ten years. ive been asking my friends recently to look into my eyes and tell me if they look different, they all say they do but dont know whats missing. i describe what it is thats missing and they all agree. im missing the light that shines in a healthy persons eyes. i find that mostly people on strong anti-psychotics lose the light as well. and that scares me. ive held a job for a few months now and im actually improving everyday, but it seems my eyes are getting darker and darker every day. when i was a little boy before i started having my symptombs, nothing ever got to me. i was always calm and collected and happy. my eyes shone brighter than anything. now my eyes look extremely dull. i remember when i was little my mom was crying and i walked up to her and comforted her. she tells me what made her feel better was my face, the hopefullness of it. i dont ever feel hopefull anymore. nobody knows i feel this way. i keep everything in, in an effort to not bother anyone. everyone had to take care of me for a while, now i want to take care of myself. but i think it might be making me lose myself more. ive found that the light in someones eyes is their soul, how complete it is, and how healthy it is. and im scared to find out why my eyes are dark. ive become the person that tells people theyre wrong for getting attached to things, that always points out how they could be taken away. ive become everything i was against. its mainly all my fault. i am far too critical of myself though, my parents even tell me that, so maybe it wasnt, however i conditioned myself to think everything will be taken away, so dont get attached and it wont hurt when its gone. the worst part of all this is i remember my life before any sort of mental issues came up and i long for it. in fact, ive never wanted anything more. ive conditioned myself to think ill fail so much though, that ill never go for it. ive become the person who gives up before he tries for himself, but wont let anyone else ever give up. i embody hypocrisy, and the very worst part is, i have no idea what to do.