Weird breakup, advice requested
So my girlfriend and I just broke up after five years, went on two dates, and decided to break-up properly... as friends with benefits. Yes it's strange I know and not really the way to do things, and I'm thinking the 'friends with benefits thing is going to be a disaster. So for a bit of a more specific telling...
As said, we'd been together for five years, she was my first girlfriend, the only person I've ever had s** with, and second woman I'd ever kissed. I was her third boyfriend and the one she was with for, by far, the longest. During the relationship we both did stupid things that damaged it, and recently it was brought to a head. She had been curious about s** with women for a while, and since I was quite unsure about whether I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life or not, I let her explore. I admit, part of me was hoping she'd fall in love with some woman and the relationship would end, sparing me the need to do the tough break-up stuff. Yes it was a cowardly thought, I accept that.
After a few false starts she met a lady, we'll call her FF. My ex and FF only met a few times but it became intense very quickly with massive emotional ups and downs. FF was my ex's first lesbian kiss, and it came very close to her leaving me for FF. The incident that broke us as a couple was when on one fateful day, after I'd had an emotional meltdown a few days before, I had an anxiety attack whilst at university, and was literally miserable. I NEEDED to see my ex (still my girlfriend at the time), and it was like pulling teeth to get her to agree to see me... after she'd seen FF who it was claimed had also had a breakdown at work. Eventually my ex comes back an hour after she was supposed to see me. I asked if anything had happened between them, she said 'no'. Turns out that was a lie. Whilst I'd been going mad waiting for her, she'd been in the back seat of FF's car kissing and fondling each other.
Anyway after some soul-searching and massive amounts of stress, she decides she wants to break it off with FF and try again with me. The 'problem' was that she still had an innate curiousity to see what s** with women was like, and flatly refused to even consider a threesome. Which leads us to where we are now, broken up, and just friends. Except that a few days ago we saw a movie, and ended having a bit of a cuddle and a few kisses. Except that we've agreed to 'friends with benefits'.
I've tried three or four times now to distance myself from her and she keeps pulling me back in. I see advantages to the FWB because, you know, s**, but on the other hand I see a lot of downside too. I still have feelings for her, and we definitely aren't getting back together, not any time soon anyway.
She has mentioned in the past that her perfect senario so to speak is to be in a relationship with me, but still be able to explore women one-on-one. I think maybe that's why she was into the FWB because essentially it gives her that relationship. Having said that I told her I would cease the FWB is either one of us started dating someone.
Being my first break-up I'm so b***** confused and emotionally conflicted. My heart doesn't want her to go, yet my head knows that a clean break is the best thing to do. Anyone with any similar experience have any advice?