I HATE Not Believing in God
I lost my faith in God, and religion in general, around two years ago. I had been a believer all my life and was very happy.
But I learned too much. I saw too much evidence to deny evolution and an old Earth. I saw all the suffering caused by God's indifference and suffering caused directly by him in the Bible.
I soon started to not like God at all. And soon lost my belief in him all together. When I moved away to college I stopped going to church. I very tearfully and gut-wrenchingly confessed to myself that I was no longer a believer. It hurt so much, but I finally felt more free than I've ever felt in my life!
But soon after, a few months after, I started to miss believing in God. Or rather, I missed believing in the God that I thought was the god of the Bible. Reading the Bible is pretty much what destroyed my faith. Because I saw that the god I believed in was NOT the god of the Bible!
The god I believed in was kind, caring, thoughtful and loving. The god of the Bible is cold, uncaring, a liar, a murderer, and a sadistic sociopath.
Despite all this. I miss my god. The god I loved before I learned the truth. I miss him so much. Like a dead best friend or family member.
Even worse is none of my former church friends or my family know about my loss of faith. My mother thinks I don't go to church any more just because of me being busy with school. I don't have the heart to tell her that I never want to go to church ever again, because I see it as a colossal waste of time to worship and to beg favors from a god that doesn't care about us anyway. But I could never tell her. My mother is such an amazing person and I could never hurt her heart like that!
I wish I had never picked up my Bible. Ignorance truly was bliss.