The four year speedbump of my thoughts.
I devoted myself to believe that my heart had never had a purpose to beat until the moment I met him.
Four years ago, I stumbled upon a boy who I instantly (and clichely) fell head over heels for in a tween cloud of love. It wasn’t his looks, his monetary value, his friends, no. It was nothing but a masterpiece of a personality that just happened to be the solution to a problem that I never knew I had; loneliness. Everyone wants love. The question is, what would you do to obtain it?
Surely enough, our relationship advanced in an awkward square dance of teenage emotions that just weren’t certain on how to be addressed. Infamous butterflies danced and twirled in my stomach with the very thought of his name, nearly scaring me away from initiating a conversation with him at all. He seemed to be my knight-in-shining-armor in training; a slightly-confident boy with a clear devotion to the goals he established for himself. Words could never describe how amazing it felt to be wanted by someone who had walked out of your very own dreams.
Ending a conversation with him was as tearing as a knife across exposed skin. Deep and maybe just a little intimidating, his voice was the instrument to compose a genuine “soundtrack of my summer”, if not my year.We were two links of a fence that had only now been formed together. However, if I said this relationship was only ever smooth sailing, I would just have to burden myself as a liar to even more undeserving souls.
I became the fruit of a love story that refused to sprout.
"Together forever, never apart. Maybe in distance, but never in heart." Possibly the only quote to reassure a couple 2,400 miles away from each other, Skype was the middle man that I couldn’t play nice with. As my passionate love interest begged and pleaded with me to get a microphone/webcam duo, to give him my phone number, to share my address for pen-pal type letters, even to send a thoughtful Christmas gift, I couldn’t do anything but type my pitiful excuses out through the HP keyboard attached to my desktop. Days rolled by and the excuses stacked into a leaning tower of bullshit ready to crumble. Throughout my entire relationship with him, I tried to be the best girlfriend I could be while simultaneously weaving a trail of lies that I would never be able to find my way back out of.
As a inexperienced twelve year-old, I couldn’t help but grasp onto the unbeknownst sixteen year-old that never deserved the heartbreak that would come along with the love I fed to him. With every new reason to love him passionately came a new reason to lie beyond my most diabolical nightmares.
My heart loved him as genuinely as a certified product, but my brain lied as cunningly as a professional con artist. I soon proved to myself that the lengths I would go to to withstand this flow of love overcame the sense of care for his mental well-being.
I can never apologize enough for the damage I’ve surely done to him. I can never get back the clear, innocent state of mind I had before I committed what I consider a moral crime. I can never honestly stop thinking about him, still convinced that he’s the one.
If for some reason you’re reading this, well I hope you know who you are. I hope you know who I am. I’m so sorry for being the masked robber of your heart that is too much of a fradey-cat to reveal a face that poured out waterfalls of emotions to you years before. Honestly,I would redo it all in a heartbeat. I have never felt the same way about anyone else as I have for you. That’s saying a lot, considering that I particularly ruined my own chances at ever meeting you.
Nevertheless, the root of my initial lie is undeniably clear; no sixteen year old would date a twelve year old that he met over the MMORPG Runescape. Sure, I could’ve just said that I was twelve and skipped the educational relationship that would’ve soon followed, no biggie. I guess I would’ve never known what I was missing out on, and as for you, you would’ve never been hurt by a girl that had a heart capacity unfulfilled by day-long middle school “love” flings.
I can’t ever stop thinking about you, comparing people to you, remembering everything about you that led me to be the person I am now. B, if you ever see this, just know that I’m sorry. You had the most thoughtful, kind personality that only I ever got to witness through your seemingly rough outer shell. I just wanted you to know that I wish you the best, but I can never say that I’ll ever lose all of my feelings for you.
As to everyone else, intentional or not, catfishing is a surefire way to drown your daily thoughts in a fog of never forgiving yourself. The personal gain you may get out of it will never be worth the personal hurt directed onto another person. From now on, I know by direct experience that the best way to talk to anyone in your life is to tell the truth; you’ll never have to remember a lie and find yourself buried in endless miles of them later down the road of life.