I really want to die

I am lazy as f***. Okay, let me run down the whole act for you. I am currently a freshman in college, and I am a horrible person.

1) I identify as gay, and I have had s** with 8 guys. All of which I give somewhat attention to. I mostly don't care for them, since I find them kind of boring, and I don't have any chemistry with them. I sometimes lie to them, to make me desirable.
2) I lie to my parents to go with these guys, and to make things seem functional. I try to impress my parents with lies about me in school and in life, so they don't have to worry about me. But, now I may have HIV, and I don't want to risk anyone with anything.
3) I am literally f****** up my future. I'm in an expensive college, and it's taking my money. I'm failing classes. Procrastinating a lot. Feel depressed I get nothing done from procrastinating. And don't care about the work. I want to draw, but.. That's not what I'm doing.

I am tired of lying, feeling useless, and depressed. I want to change, but, that's not all the worst part. Besides being a s*** to guys I don't want to have s** with. Lying to parents. Being useless in school. I'm going to kill myself if I'm positive. I been through enough disappointments in life, I'm not going to live with that one.

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  • 1) Maybe cut it off with these 8 guys that you have nothing in common with or don't really enjoy spending time with and find one guy you have a connection with.
    2. Stop lying to your parents, your friends and most importantly yourself. You are in college. Embrace who you are. Go get tested to be certain. Whatever the results, you will deal. HIV does not have to define you or your life. I have two friends who have HIV. One guy let it define him and he continued to party, not take his meds and not take care of himself and sadly he passed 10 years ago. Another friend has been living with HIV for over 15 years, he takes his meds and takes care of himself and shows no signs of the disease. AIDS research has come along way since the disease made headlines. Nothing is without risk. You still need to be careful and protect yourself or your partners but you can still live a full life.
    3. Stop the negative talk. It just brings you down. You are in a excellent university because you earned a spot there. If you're not ready for a 4 year college, maybe go to a community college for awhile and transfer over later. You have options. Failing classes..if you can get a tutor - do it. If you can drop before the deadline, then do that. Procrastinating.. well, you have to figure out your own time management. You're an adult now. You sort of have to look at it like a job. If you don't get your assignments in on time, there are consequences. Draw.. Would you want to do that for a living? Life is full of disappointments.. but it's also full of amazing moments. Just try to get the message across to you that life is worth living. Go to the health center and ask to speak to a counselor and ask for help.

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