When I was in grade one, I was a very friendly person, and I couldn't bear the thought of someone disliking me or having to end a friendship. My best friend was a girl who we are going to call Emma. Emma, me and another very quiet girl I'll call Marigold, were 'best friends', I guess. But while Marigold hardly ever said anything, Emma was very mean to me. She was the 'leader' of our little group. She always chose the roles in the games we played, and she always like Marigold more than me. Emma had a twisted mind for someone in grade one. She always included, um, human waste? In the games she made for us to play. I was in grade one so I didn't understand how wrong it was to accept these games. I thought it was normal, what every kid did. I don't know what happened, but Emma started to decide that she hated me. She even turned my best friend to this day away from me. (I met her in grade one, but we weren't best friends then. We got closer in grade two.) one day, I went to Emma's house after school. It was ok, she wasn't very nice, but ok. And then I don't remember what I did, but I ticked her off, and she pushed me. I was shocked, I didn't expect this from anyone, especially not my best friend! Then she pushed me again and I fell, and then she kicked me. I didn't know how to defend myself or what to do. All I could do was cry. Then she told me to get up, and I did, and we went back to whatever we were doing, me being very upset. But I still haven't told anyone about this, it scares me and I don't know what to do. I still have very bad nightmares, and I am against bullying very much. I got beat up in grade four again by one of my friends that I didn't like much, again when I went to her house. I also haven't told anyone about that. I'm very scared of choosing another bad friend, because I am in grade nine now, close to grade ten, and if it happens again they could inflict more severe damage. I have learned to defend myself now, and I have much better friends, who are shy and would never hurt anyone. But now. Erasure of my past I have grown up to be a bit aggressive, and I hate that I am but I don't know how to not be. I'm not mean and I don't hurt people but sometimes I think that some people are a little bit scared of me. I am very short and not many people like me because I'm annoying and I know I am, (I get hyper very easily and can be crazy) but the people who do like me I am happy with being they're friend. I know this is a really gross story and I'm sure it hasn't been pleasant reading it, I didn't have much fun writing it, but I hope that someone can give me advice, because lately I've been getting more and more depressed, because my friends always leave me out (third wheel problem, but I'm always the third wheel) and sometimes they will unintentionally be mean to me. I know that they don't mean to but I'm really worried that I might get very depressed, and last year I cut myself. I've stopped now but I'm getting more depressed as the year goes on. My home life sucks, im having problems with school, and I feel left out with my friends. I want to help myself but I really don't know how. Please give me advice!