Longt time affair

I have been married to my HS sweetheart for 19 years. In those 19 years we have had 2 children (16 & 17 now) and he has become an alocoholic with a horrible work ethic (10 jobs and counting). He has depended on me for emotional and financial support from the start (I was given his checks and paid all bills) At the time, I didn't mind, I was taking care of my man and it was something I thought a wife should do. My point to all that is he is very dependent on me, so much so that I see him as a child most of the time. 8 Years ago, a man whom I have adored since I was a little girl (he is 5 years older and was like my best friend growing up because our moms were best friends) asked me to help him with a job. We had stayed in touch somewhat and he was married but I hadn't heard from him in awhile. I agreed and in the months we spent on this job we ended up starting an affair. I had always had feelings for him (there were many times as children that we "played Dr" or had other intimate (not sexual) moments but the age gap was too much)and I found out that he had feelings for me as well. After about 9 months the job was over and I ended the affair, there was just too much guilt. 3 years later he saw me in passing and began contacting me again, wanting to restart the affair. I was very unhappy with my husband, he was only working part time because of his drinking and he was treating me like garbage, I didn't want to leave because of the kids but I wanted to feel what I felt with this other man again so I went back to the affair. Fast forward to today. We are both still married but both are very unhappy. We have carried on this affair for a total of 8 yrs now and we are in love. We have been through a lot in these 8 yrs including some really hard times where we were driven apart, but we always manage to be drawn back together. The longest time we went without seeing each other was 2 months. Now I have to decide if I want to leave my husband to try for a life I very much want with this other man or stay because I know that if I leave it would devastate my husband. Plus my kids are just getting ready to start their lives and my other man has kids that are younger too. Just very confused on what to do. I don't want to miss a chance with this man but I also hate the thought of hurting my kids and even my husband.

Feb 13, 2015

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  • It's been a rough month. I'm taking a step back a reassessing everything. I need to focus on helping my daughter finish her senior year and get ready for college and my son is a senior next yr so the same for him...I was able to talk with my husband about the missing work episodes, he understands my frustrations but if it changes anything we shall see...lover has had 2 horrible weeks at home, his wife is also an alcohlic and is getting violent...She knows he has been unfaithful but refuses to let him go...she is also dependent on him, she's never had a legit job in her life...he's feeling like a slave but like he can't leave without his children suffering because their mom is a loser. What a mess.

  • I don't know very much, I have no doubt that you have feelings for this other man, my concern is that when you end one relationship to begin a new one, the second relationship always takes the brunt of the first frustrations. Do you think you could end the one before jumping both feet into the other? Seems like that would be best for the kids, yourself, your soon to be ex, and your new relationship.

    Again I don't know but it just seems a lot to do at the same time.

  • If you leave, you do it for YOU. Your kids are not babies, I'm sure they are well aware of what's going on. And it can't be a healthy environment for them to witness. And for you, you are your husband's enabler. He is allowed to continue drinking because you take care of him. When will that stop? He will never hit rock bottom because you keep him dependent on you. You may not want to admit it.. Have you ever gone to al-anon or has he ever tried to get clean? Alcohol is one of the most dangerous addictions because you can't just quit cold turkey. He's probably been drinking for a very long time. He most likely needs a medically supervised detox to help him. As for your lover. You can't make anyone do anything and you have to live your life. You have to find your independent self again and not be dependent on a man or have a man be dependent on you. That's what I'm seeing. It really doesn't matter what your lover does or doesn't do, there are no guarantees that this relationship will work if you both leave your spouses. Maybe why it works now is because it is a secret and you don't spend a lot of time together. This goes back to the saying..Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? If any man wants to leave his wife, he will. How many men do you know will say things are great at home and that's why he wants to have an affair? None..unless it's an open relationship. They tell you they are in a loveless marriage because it makes you feel needed and wanted. But no one knows what is really happening in a marriage except for the man and wife. Just like you, you have your reasons. Until he does..live your life. You need to get things in order for yourself, doesn't matter what he's going to do or not. Can't/Don't wait around.

  • GRRR...2 months in a row now he has tried to stay home a day a week from work, makes up all kinds of excuses. Today was the weather...It's not even that bad. I will be going to work. ugh, and I am the b**** for asking him to please go because I just had to borrow money from a family member to make ends meet. Just so tired of this. He started doing this 3 years ago...treating me like crap because of work and I kicked him out. REALLY regretting giving him another chance. I did it because he came crawling back literally begging me, so much for "change"....I have a feeling I will be single sooner rather that later and I DO wonder what my lover will do...but either way...I will be doing it for ME. Sick of being a doormat.

  • Sometimes a hot affair becomes a stale marriage. I reckon stick with the marriage because of the kids. Enjoy the affair but understand that it is just that - an affair.

  • I always believe that depending on a woman is never a good idea.She will always dump you for another man when you need her the most or least expect it. It is always good to be married but as independent as possible.On the other hand,I have been with enough married women in my lifetime to guess that this awesome guy is pulling your nipples along-he knows u would not want to leave your kids.He knows if he gives you a promise of getting married someday,he will keep you around.If you told him "We have had a secret affair for 9 years now,I wanna move in with you, in our own apartment, on march 30th,2015, and immediately we start divorcing our spouses",what do you think he will say or do?

  • I'm feeling like I need to decide because it is harder and harder to hide my feelings from my husband, I get sick to my stomach when he wants to have s** and I'm losing patience with his habits and behaviors. I'm also afraid that as my lovers marriage gets worse that he will make a move quicker than I am expecting and want me to join him before I am ready. He asks me all the time why I am staying and I don't really have a legitimate answer other than for my kids and because I feel responsible for the "kid" I am married to. Make sense? and Thank You for not judging, I would never have had an affair if it was anyone else. I have loved this man far longer than even I realized.

  • When you say you "have to decide" if you want to leave, is that because your affair partner has given you an ultimatum, or do you feel that you can simply no longer maintain any relationship with your husband? It seems to me that you could continue the affair since you've managed to keep it a secret for this long without discovery, so there's no reason to think you couldn't do so indefinitely. Having the other man in your life at least brings you some happiness, while you continue to care for your husband and children. You can always choose to leave "later", but you can only actually leave once. I realize, of course, that's no answer to your question or your dilemma, but the answer really depends on the factual circumstances and the sustainability of relationships with one or both of the men in your life. I know it's hard, really almost impossible, and for what it's worth, I've been sort of where you are (though my husband apparently functioned at a somewhat higher level than yours, and made more of a contribution) and I stayed . . . but continued the affair until my affair partner got transferred to a job out of town, at which point I began another affair. I wish you well.

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