Hit by the Truth
We dated for only about a month, but we have a lot of history prior to this. (over 2 years)
When we were younger (16F and 15M) we dated for maybe 4 months. The duration never mattered though because it's always been an intense relationship. The first time we broke up was because we both had too many personal problems to be dating. I started to lose feelings because of depression and he had a problem with drugs at the time.
Fast forward to the most recent time and basically the same thing happened. I started to become extremely numb to life and I didn't want to bring him down with me. I have a horrible habit of shoving people away when I am having a hard time because I get terrified of hurting anyone. I broke up with him so that I could succumb to my problems and not have him have to watch.
I f***** up so badly. So badly. I immediately started fooling around with someone else. I lost a lot of weight. I wasn't taking care of myself. I lied to all my friends about why I really broke up with him. I blamed everything around me but I wasn't honest with anyone about why I truly left him. Everyone thinks something different which I am sure contributes to why he won't talk to me- he's probably heard some crazy s*** by now.
Then I got hit by a car.
Not kidding, I got run over. I broke bones and had a horrible concussion. When I woke up in the hospital my mom asked me who I wanted to contact and the first name that automatically came out was my ex. We haven't even talked for months, yet my concussed brain instantly wanted him near me. I was functioning like a toddler at that point and I still knew immediately that I had messed up and wanted him back. It was like I had an epiphany about how stupid I had been for the past few months.
I didn't hear from him after the accident and it's been over a month. My mom tried to reach out to him and his father the day I got hit, but my ex didn't respond and his dad was an a****** about the situation.
I need to tell him that I'm sorry and that I messed up and that the car accident has changed my world. I don't know how to get across to him that things are different for me now and that I won't ever hurt him again. I genuinely have changed and on one hand it's sad that it took getting hit by a car for this to happen, but on the other hand I'm glad that I can see the mistakes I was making for what they were- mistakes.
He won't speak to me (has actively avoided me and told a mutual friend that he will not text me), his friends don't like me now, and I can't get anyone to give me a clear answer as to why he's so adamantly staying away from me.
I just want everything back to how it was. I feel such a strong sense of guilt and regret.
I don't know what to do but I guess I'll figure it out.