I don't know.

I don't know what I am, or what I want to become in the future. Society tells me it's just a phase and that eventually I'll find my way and everything will be alright, but ironically enough at the same time it's pressuring me to decide and plan my future, when I barely have an inkling of what I actually want for myself.
I feel that my life lacks purpose. Or maybe I'm just jealous that everyone else seems to have a much more purposeful life. I want to be good at something. Or maybe I'm just too apathetic to try out something different. I don't know, I really don't. I feel useless, and that my life is too mundane. I keep telling myself that I'll eventually ADAPT, but see, am I really here just to adapt, or can I actually make a difference?
I'm frustrated, lonely, and emotional, but I'm in no position to be able to portray my fears and uncertainties without having fingers being pointed at me because I wasn't being "strong". I want to be strong, but I think a lot, of all the things I could achieve, but have failed to, simply because I wasn't gifted. Or maybe I just gave up too soon. Who knows. I've lost control over myself. I've lived all my days just wanting to create a good impression on others, now that the worst of life has taken over me, I've lost it. Some nights I can't sleep because I'll be rethinking about what I've said or done throughout the day.
Was I being too pretentious?
Did I look weird?
Did they notice?
Do they know?
I don't want to come off as obnoxious..
or bossy..
Oh gosh..
And then I wake up the next day, with nothing but the bitter regret that I should've just dealt with my "petty" problems more professionally. People say I'm mature. And they look up to me. But every time I spend a little longer and look at myself in the mirror, I don't know who is it I'm staring at.
But I can't tell this to anyone, because I'd tell myself,
Everyone goes through this.
What makes your "thoughts" so special?
What makes YOU so special?
Quiet, they don't care.
Maybe I don't trust anyone because I can't trust myself. Maybe I'm just cursed with gnawing self-conflict. It's because I analyze emotions so thoroughly that maybe, just maybe, I over-analyze whatever other people may be thinking of.
I want to run away, but where to? I don't know where I belong. I've only become worse from time to time. I used to be better. A little smarter. A little happier. A little less,
Some day I'll look back at this and laugh, thinking I was simply going through a teenage existential crisis. But by then, what would I have become? Will I still be me, or will I be what I need to become in order to..
I don't know.
I really don't.

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1 Comment

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  • What you're feeling is perfectly normal.

    Some people don't think for a second about others' and some people do plain and simple.

    The most important thing you need to worry about is doing your best in school because poverty $ucks.

    Do your best in your studies - someday you'll know what you want to do for a career - and I can guarantee it's not working at your local grocery store.

    You write very well so you already have an advantage!

    Best of luck and care about what you think!

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