I'm not okay.

My brother controls my family, including my parents. Everyone is afraid of him and we all walk on eggshells to keep him happy. I have missed out on something I have planned on for four months, something that will help with my college and schooling. But I had to give it up because he wanted to stay on a family trip for one day extra and no one will stand up to him.

He already is complaining about how studious I am and how my schooling interferes with the things he wants the family to do. My parents, behind closed doors, constantly tell me how proud they are of me for the things I achieve, but when my brother talks about how pointless it is to go to college and how I'm wasting money and time, they agree in front of his face and laugh at me and my dreams with him.

I can't blame them because disagreeing with him can be scary. The fear of violence is very easy to have in his presence. But it still hurts. I'm not going for a worthless degree - I want to be a computer engineer eventually - and I feel like it is very worthwhile. But I'm so tired of feeling constantly under attack for working hard. And I'm tired of hearing things like "You aren't working hard. Try to do my job and you'd quit before an hour passed." He says that it and I are burdens and inconveniences on the family. My parents don't defend me.

I just recovered from a long illness and I'm already getting a late start in life, and only get to thanks to the love, patience, and generosity of my parents. I already do feel like a real burden and a real inconvenience. For so long, I have wanted to achieve and make something of myself but didn't have the ability. Now that I am, it's been nothing but stress.

It kind of makes me want to give up. Because secretly, I don't know if I have what it takes... and my brother gives these insecurities a voice. And my illness could come back, so what if I am just wasting money and time? What if I can't keep up with the course load? What if my memory is too screwed up to make things stick? Maybe I'll be too stupid to grasp more complicated math, since I quit high school due to my illness, though I'm trying to catch up with Khan Academy. Maybe some people are put on this earth to just be victims of misfortune, and maybe I'm one of them. This is my confession today.

3 Comments

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  • Your brother is acting like a fool. Just do what you want with your life, if he doesn't want to support him then disregard him.

  • He feels bad about himself! You keep going!
    There are no guarantees in life. Just keep going - all knowledge is good and never wasted!
    I know people who had brain cancer as children and are now living happy healthy lives with their families.
    Every morning look in the mirror and say positive things about yourself - his words are s***!

    Keep busy and spend as little time with him as possible!

  • He is living with his insecurities and pushing it towards you and the family, don't give up and don't you dare let him win. Im 33 and currently studying and working part time, I live in a s***** share house with those who have given up on life. I have parents who are supportive but have no idea what it takes at a university level. I'm dealing with financial debt, chronic illness and stress, yet I'm still going, Im not doing an amazing job, but I'm working as hard as I can to get my goal.

    I know it s hard and he isn't helping, he sounds like a real j*** and It makes me wonder where it came from.

    My advice is keep going, don't stop, just think of the benefits if you do, you can move out, get your dream job and find someone to spend the rest of your life with, prove him wrong!! I can understand from your families perspective but if they secretly admire and respect you for what you're doing and they have to put up a front to hide it from him, then so be it. they love you and what you're going to become.

    A real brother is supportive and leads by example, he obviously has no care for anyone other than himself.

    Secretly they dont want you to become like him, so don't, put your head down, focus on your studies and if he starts dictating your life and ruining things for you then there must be something you can do.

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