I'm not okay.
My brother controls my family, including my parents. Everyone is afraid of him and we all walk on eggshells to keep him happy. I have missed out on something I have planned on for four months, something that will help with my college and schooling. But I had to give it up because he wanted to stay on a family trip for one day extra and no one will stand up to him.
He already is complaining about how studious I am and how my schooling interferes with the things he wants the family to do. My parents, behind closed doors, constantly tell me how proud they are of me for the things I achieve, but when my brother talks about how pointless it is to go to college and how I'm wasting money and time, they agree in front of his face and laugh at me and my dreams with him.
I can't blame them because disagreeing with him can be scary. The fear of violence is very easy to have in his presence. But it still hurts. I'm not going for a worthless degree - I want to be a computer engineer eventually - and I feel like it is very worthwhile. But I'm so tired of feeling constantly under attack for working hard. And I'm tired of hearing things like "You aren't working hard. Try to do my job and you'd quit before an hour passed." He says that it and I are burdens and inconveniences on the family. My parents don't defend me.
I just recovered from a long illness and I'm already getting a late start in life, and only get to thanks to the love, patience, and generosity of my parents. I already do feel like a real burden and a real inconvenience. For so long, I have wanted to achieve and make something of myself but didn't have the ability. Now that I am, it's been nothing but stress.
It kind of makes me want to give up. Because secretly, I don't know if I have what it takes... and my brother gives these insecurities a voice. And my illness could come back, so what if I am just wasting money and time? What if I can't keep up with the course load? What if my memory is too screwed up to make things stick? Maybe I'll be too stupid to grasp more complicated math, since I quit high school due to my illness, though I'm trying to catch up with Khan Academy. Maybe some people are put on this earth to just be victims of misfortune, and maybe I'm one of them. This is my confession today.