Early in life I was the victim of domestic abuse at the hands of my step dad. Beatings when he was drunk, locked in closets and small spaces for no reason, dragged out of bed at night by my hair. Things I've blocked out that I don't want to remember. It's interesting being afraid of certain things and knowing it's because of things you can't remember, things blocked off from memory.
I'm well adjusted now. Years of therapy helped and you'd never know about my past if you met me aside from a few social quirks like being quiet and a little awkward, not always knowing what to say, sometimes not being able to empathize with people, hating to be in big crowds but not remembering why I hate big crowds. Despite that I consider myself happy and sane. I'm a passivist and very laid back. I've even been described as the highest pothead that's never smoked pot. I hate drugs and alcohol because I've lived through what they do. I've put my past behind me and never looked back.
Tonight my girlfriend broke up with me. She said that she's afraid of what my past could make me do. I feel so unwanted and insecure. I feel like my past is coming back to haunt me. I feel like I'll never be able to tell anybody about my past because they will think I'm going to hurt them. I don't understand why I have to pay for my past all over again. So many questions too. Did she see something about me that I can't see? Am I really dangerous or a threat?
I feel so numb. I need to build something. I build things and work with my hands to escape. I'll buy a model in the morning.