I'm having another one of those days where I don't know why I'm even here.
I've been struggling because I work really hard for my community, and I feel overlooked and insignificant.
It is a hard balance because even before I started helping, I saw those who volunteered and became important in the community, and then they began to gloat. They acted boastful, then they started giving themselves these self-proclaimed titles and acting just so self-important.
I never wanted to be like that.
So I worked twice as hard, I still do. When not many people noticed, I felt safe at first. I felt like this would help me to stay humble and more genuine. It gave me a pure state of mind to work with, that I could continue what I do and not feel like it was just for glory.
After awhile, I started noticing a colleague of mine getting lots of praises, and much of it was for my work. This bothered me a little but I chose to ignore it.
Then I would see him bragging occasionally or conveniently mentioning "all he has done for the community" right upon meeting people. And it got to a point where because he was so vocal and I never said a word, that he has been credited with nearly all of my work. It bothered me at first but I chose not to let it bother me.
Then, I worked with a friend on a personal issue. My colleague is also friends with this friend..
So I have talked to the friend about the issue whenever they open up to me anot or and they always felt better about it. I even offered a couple times to share resources of mine and help them one on one with their issue. They said maybe.
My colleague one day ended up pushing the person into accepting the help, and they took it. They used the resources I possesed, and I worked with them one on one.
The when all was said and done, the friend credited my colleague with their growth as a person. They credited my colleague and said they were their influence.
This was the straw that broke the camels back. I felt so discouraged and so insignificant. I felt like I didn't matter.
This friend meant a lot to me and I really thought I made a difference in their life, and I felt so special about it. I didn't even need any glory or anything like that, I didn't need or want anything from them.. I just felt like their was a mutual knowing between us. And like I had shared in something that truly matters in this world.
When they credited my colleague, I realized nothing I did mattered.
I wonder if anything I does even matters. I feel like a waste of space, I feel invisible and non-existent.
I extremely depreased and struggling really badly to manage these feelings on my own.
I don't want anyone to know about it and I don't even know if I have a right to be upset. I don't think anyone should have to alter their actions because of my feelings.
I don't even feel like it's worth trying anymore.
I feel like I just want out.