I'm a mess

I’m writing this knowing that you’ll never read it. Writing has always been my escape in my time of need and right now all I need is your arms wrapped around me telling me it’s okay, everything is going to be okay. But I know that I can’t have that. I can’t have you in any way possible. I want to express myself in this and I hope I’ll feel better after it.
How can I explain the raging storm inside of me? The tsunami of emotions swamping my very being? I met you at a camp, I hated your guts the first 30 minutes. But what can I say? You were a bored a******. After those first thirty minutes, I got to know you better and I actually liked you. You’re fun, you’re amusing, you’re attractive and most of all you were interested in me.

Now that I think of it, I guess I fell for you this easily because I’m not used to guys being interested in me. It was something new, exotic and exciting. I wanted to have something like all the other girls my age. I want to feel the adrenaline of having a guy care for me, love me, hold me, kiss me… I wanted to know the feeling of a normal teenage girl.
You got interested in me at first, we got comfortable with each other easily and one thing led to another and we kissed. I made a big deal out of it in my head considering the fact that it was my first. I didn’t tell you but now you know. It wasn’t literally my first but emotionally it was. I thought it was a camp fling and we wouldn’t talk after that. But guess what? We actually did. Each day we talked for hours, we sat on the phone for hours, we went out and laughed and talked for hours. I loved every minute with you, I loved every second. To the eyes of everyone we looked like a couple and I believed that someday we will be.

Truth is… I overlooked all the facts that were in front of me. You told me you didn’t want a relationship right now, I ignored that. You told me we’re friends, I ignored that. But why? I can’t blame myself completely for that.

When we were together, your actions told me otherwise. You would hug me, you would try to kiss me, you would tease me, you would flirt with me… what do you think did I make of that? I thought that there was hope. I let myself believe the lie of you actually falling for me.

Slowly though, I was the one to fall for you. I fell for your smell. Your glorious smell that never fails to make me smile. I fell for your smile. Your magnificent smile that I try so hard to be the reason behind it. I fell for your hugs. Your amazing hugs that wrap me in a blanket of pure comfort and warmth. I fell for your eyes. Your beautiful eyes that capture me prisoner and mesmerize me. I fell for you the way people fall asleep, slowly and then all at once.

I lived for the moments when you would call me to wake me up to school. I lived for the moments when you would tell me let’s go out. I lived for the moments when you would ask me something. I lived for the moments when you would come over as a surprise. I lived for the moments when you would hold my hand while driving.

Then after a month of not seeing you, you came over. You flirted with me, you teased me and I retaliated at first. Then the tension got too great and we kissed. One thing led to another and things got a bit out of hand. It was my first time too. Did you know that? We didn’t sleep with each other but we would’ve if I hadn’t stopped you.

You told me you were searching for a fling and you didn’t want it to be with me because you didn’t want to hurt me. I went through with what happened that day ignoring what you said. At first I thought that things were better between us that way. But then again… I started to think.

You’ll never fall for me if it was a fling. Our ages are different. It bothers you and I know it. I was sad and hurt that that was all. We were never going to be a couple. You will never love me the way I love you. I told you that, not that I love you no, I told you that I cannot be the fling because my feelings were too great to ignore and I don’t want to hurt myself. You understood me.

Now I’m worried that you’re not comfortable with me anymore. We’re still friends, but I’m worried that you feel that we can’t be like we were before that day happened. You told me it didn’t change the way you look at things. But was that a lie? I don’t know.
I don’t know anything anymore. All I know right now is that I love you. And no matter what happens I know you’ll always have a special place in my heart because you were my first everything. I love you and I’ll always love you in a way. These past three months have been a paradise but now I have to get back to earth. I have to stop loving you, I have to treat you as any friend would.

For the last time, I love you. I love you. And I love you.

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  • I read your narration with deep sense of empathy. A lot of folks have had enough confusion from a "confused world" to last for a life time! Lack of "personal identity" can bore oneself sick even to having suicide thoughts . Have I once considered suicide in my life? Yes and indeed, many folks you see that walk the streets are full of challenges and pains that were inflicted or innate. In my own case, in my teens , I thought I will not be able to achieve anything because I was abused as a child , lived in a home that always felt like an explosive device was about to ignite. I struggled with these feelings and tried to fill the void via alcohol and "street smokes". I found fake boldness that was transient. I envied and wanted to be like others. I began to steal. Well, I am an adult now, well educated, employed, married, had kids, drug/alcohol/smoke free, and really free from all my demons. How? Yes, I know that this will be the question in your heart. It sounded foolish and dreamlike but it was real. Someone gave me a copy of "New Testament and Psalms and proverbs"; a little blue covered book which could fit into my pocket. It was published by Gideon international. I began to read it from "The Gospel of John" like he advised me. I love reading and it made sense. Well, I may not be able to tell you all that happened to me but I discovered that as I read it daily, I began to be attracted to and talk to the main character in the story; Jesus and it seemed like and old self of mine was dropping off daily. At some point , I was shocked when I was out with my friends and realized that I hadn't touched alcohol in the past 2 weeks! And the stranger thing was that alcohol lost its appeal to me. In fact, it disgusted me. My friends told me that they will "give me just three months" and I will drink myself to stupor like before. well it has been years and I keep getting better; more pleasant than the person I ever tried to be. Jesus is beautiful.

  • Omg! Heres a hug!! Muaaaah!

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