I'm in love and it's not with my boyfriend

I've been in love with an old friend of my boyfriend for a few years now. I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years and he's been with his girlfriend for 5. We all met when they started a band with a few other friends. They had a falling out, one member joined the military and the one I cannot get off my mind ( we'll call him "Bobby") moved out of state with his judgemental, superficial, and immature girlfriend. There has always been a lack of emotional understanding between my boyfriend and I, and we have struggled with intimacy for a long time. We make great friends, but unsatisfactory lovers. Bobby was the first person I've been around that has made me feel understood and appreciated. There is a certain magnetic attraction when we speak and I feel like I could discuss anything with him, from world issues to the possibilities of life and death. His presence instantly makes me feel comfortable, joyful, and accepted. It's hard for me to keep my eyes off of him when he us around, but we never get a chance to speak alone when he visits, because his girlfriend is always close by. I can tell by observation and intuition that their relationship is lackluster as well. I look at him, then who he is with, and I am incredibly confused. He must be attracted to her extroversion because that would be her only complimenting trait. With his vast knowledge and striking intelligence, he must have a hard time keeping conversation interesting between them, being that she cannot even grasp basic geography and multisyllable words. We both share a love for music, excitement, and stimulating conversation. I love the way he thinks, the way he speaks, and his intelligence is the sexiest thing about him. I am a song writer, and he is the only thing that comes to me when I try to create something new. I must have 20+ poems about him now. It drives me crazy. I feel miserable when I think of a life with being with who I am with, and I can't go a day without him crossing my mind. It is driving me insane.

Oct 29, 2015

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  • You need to get him alone, even if it's only briefly, and let him know how you feel. You will, of course, be placing your current relationship at risk, but it doesn't sound like a relationship worth preserving anyway, not even as a fallback. Ask Bobby to keep the discussion confidential, and trust him to do so, then let him know that you want to find out if you and he can be good together as a couple, without ending your current relationships first. My guess? He will be thrilled that you cared enough about him to take the chance. And he will immediately and instantly and permanently prefer you to his girlfriend. Best of luck!

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